Frances's Love Letters Love&Relationships

So What If He Agrees To No Pre-marital Sex? Can I date Him?

Dear babes,

I hope you had a great week?
I had a pretty interesting week myself… I kind of started an internship for the two weeks left before NYSC just to keep myself busy for a bit.
And on the first day, we went to court with a pretty interesting client 🙂
Something the client said had me laughing and also had set the wheels turning in my head.
He said “He is a man and he must fall if a girl traps him with a naked body”.
Well, let’s not go into the whole essence of self-control as regards that above statement… I was thinking more about myself and some of the men I have met in the past.

I have had to break up my fair share of could-have-been relationships in time past just because they said they could not stay without sex. As soon as I heard that then, no matter how I much I liked the mr man, I vamoozed as fast as my legs could carry me.
BUT those times though, I was actually willing to date them if they had agreed to no sex before marriage.
And that’s the crux of today’s letter.
I always thought if the guy agrees to no sex before marriage then no problem.
If he stops sex because of me then that’s true love right?
But no, right now, I think it’s more than that.
Thank God for wisdom, I have realized that it goes farther than the Mr man just agreeing to not having sex with me before marriage…
The belief of no premarital sex has to be well founded and grounded in God. He must believe in God and love God enough not to offend Him by not preserving my purity and not just because he wants to date me.

I don’t need a man who JUST stops having premarital sex because of me. Don’t get me wrong, that’s all well and good but I need a man who will not have premarital sex because of his love and respect for God and God’s laws.
His abstinence can serve me well but the fundamentals of what I really need won’t be there. Which is the fear of the Lord in him.
So, yes, he may abstain from having premarital sex with me because he loves me and wants to be with me but I would prefer a man that would love God more than he loves me.
One that places his duty to God even above his duty to me.
One for whom God is numero uno.
He could agree to no sex because of me and that could blow my head away but it goes farther than that.
Does he really understand why he should abstain? Does he love God enough to want to preserve my purity? Yes, he should love me enough to want to preserve my purity but God should be first. If he doesn’t do it because he knows and loves God enough to abstain, then something is fundamentally missing and I can’t settle for that.
So, will I settle for a man just because he agrees to no sex before marriage? NO!

I will be absolutely blown away that I can “totori” this man’s head enough for him to want to abstain because of me but what of because of God?
If he loves me enough but doesn’t love God enough then what good will that do for me?
Who will be the head of our relationship?
What happens when we don’t serve and love God as we both should?
What happens when I kukuma marry the man and find out that indeed I am unequally yoked?
What happens to my fulfilling destiny in Christ?
How can this man who doesn’t get who God is help me to fulfill my purpose in Christ?
It goes deeper than just marrying him because he agrees to no sex before marriage.
It goes deeper than me telling my friends that the loves me so much…so much so that he says he will wait for marriage because of me.

We… Christian girl’s and ladies have to understand that it is God first and not us first.
A man who doesn’t love God even more than he loves you cannot love you as God wants him to love you (I hope you could wrap your head around that?)
So next time you wanna shriek for joy because the so-called bad boy wants to abstain from sex because he loves you, THINK AGAIN!
Is God numero uno for him?
If God isn’t his number one… If the creator isn’t his number one then how can the creation (you) be his number one?
Don’t be blown away by that so-called act of love from him. Let the fundamental belief in Christ be in place.
No matter how much you want him to love you, it should be GOD FIRST, OTHERS WILL FOLLOW.
Anything outside that sequence spells trouble.

Babes, I really do hope that we get this right. Don’t be blown away by so-called acts of love.
Remember getting wisdom like we talked about in our last letter?
Get wisdom as regards this issue. Use common sense for this. A guy that doesn’t place God above you spells wahala.
Please let God lead as we grow in Christ and mature in his ways…

Let God lead.


Till I write to you next time, read my last letter to you here if you havent read it already, and as always, you can write back to me to clarify/talk about anything you want to talk about.



With lots of love,




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  • Reply
    Chinomnso Precious
    October 25, 2014 at 10:47 am

    Wow! Frances, please take note. We are sisters oh. Accept my ‘proposal’.Lol. This post dishes a lot of wisdom. I was just reminded of how even with ‘christian brother/sister’, it is still possible to be unequally yoked. Getting into the God-purposed relationship, takes discernment from God to get it right. Because these days, ‘the christian opposite sexes’ are the subjects that the devil uses in tempting God’s children out of His purposed will of marriage. Not the ‘outsiders’. So being unequally yoke is not: ‘I am saved, he is not saved’. Being unequally yoked is quite deeper than that. Discernment is key, I cannot overemphasise this.

    Also, I have come to understand that a God-led man should be the prayer of every lady. Not a man that seeks to please you come rain or sunshine. NO! A man that pleases God will not be sucked into doing things that does not please God, and that should be the goal.

    Your write up is simple but deep. Words fail me right now to express how key the points you made, are. More of God’s wisdom, Sis.

    • Reply
      Frances Okoro
      October 25, 2014 at 1:32 pm

      Precious…Precious…you say my post contains wisdom? your comment contains even more wisdom.
      Indeed, getting into a purpose driven relationship takes discernment from God.
      It might blow us all away to get a man that loves us crazy but is he God-led? Is it my love that leads him or God’s love?
      And yes, I remember someone commenting with what you said on an old post too,even the “Christians” have to be placed under searchlight of God.does his christianity indeed hold water or just talk?
      We all need to place ourselves under the searchlight too.God help us all.

      And your proposal is accepted oh. Sisters all the way! 🙂

  • Reply
    October 25, 2014 at 11:39 am

    So true Frances! it’s best to have a guy who abstains because he fears God and not because he loves you. when he is faced with the ‘strange woman’ kinda temptation, it is not love but the fear of God that will see him through. It’s usually sad when a christian brother who seems ‘god-fearing’ is willing to compromise on this pre-marital sex issue. I know anyone can make a mistake, but the fear of God should make it difficult to comfortably engage in it.

    I believe strongly that there are still men who love & fear God like this, but where are they?

    • Reply
      Frances Okoro
      October 25, 2014 at 1:40 pm

      Thank you for stopping by Ego..i feel just as you do about this. It always strikes me as odd/weird and saddens me when I see christians engage in this/are willing to compromise. Can we atleast be willing to stand for purity?
      I know that “body nor be firewood” and we are all susceptible to temptation but why don’t we try to actually let the Spirit lead us out of this? Why don’t we at least try to take a stand for God? When we make a decision to do this, He always help. God always helps…

      And same as you, I believe that these men still exist, they may not be all around yanfu yanfu but just like there were 7000 remnants of men who had never bowed to baal, we still have remnants today.them dey all around. I even have a friend like this right now and it pleases me to no end that men are still trying to live in purity because of their love for God.

  • Reply
    October 25, 2014 at 12:52 pm

    Well said dear.
    The basis should always be the FEAR OF GOD and you want to respect God’s command.

    • Reply
      Frances Okoro
      October 25, 2014 at 1:41 pm

      Very true Gracie..the foundation of it all should be the fear and love for God.
      Once the foundation isn’t there,the building can certainly not stand.

  • Reply
    Ovweriavwose Sheila Eseoghene
    October 25, 2014 at 1:19 pm

    In Gen 39 v 6 where Joseph was tempted by his masters wife, note his reasoning for obeying God @ v 9.
    Just as Frances said, if he can’t honour the creator, can he honour his creation? If he can do this great sin & wickedness against God, would he think twice before doing great sin & wickedness against you?

    • Reply
      Frances Okoro
      October 25, 2014 at 1:48 pm

      Your question says it all Sheila. If he can disregard God, why do I think that he won’t disregard me? When I am just human sef.hian!
      And Joseph is one man that i admire.i studied his story awhile ago and when i came to that part, I felt like shouting to all men “this na man like you oh” lol
      It is possible to love God and is very possible

  • Reply
    Cassandra Ikegbune
    October 26, 2014 at 11:57 am

    Let me just go and share this on my pm first , I’ll be back to leave a comment proper

  • Reply
    October 26, 2014 at 2:12 pm

    God bless you dear Frances, thanks for reminding us not to get carried away.

  • Reply
    Frances Okoro
    October 27, 2014 at 7:17 am

    Lol @Cassandra, thank you.

    @Esther, yes, it’s necessary for us to be on guard.

  • Reply
    Highly Favored
    October 27, 2014 at 3:25 pm

    Amen 1,000xs. “I would prefer a man that would love God more than he loves me.” This statement is so true and I believe this as well. A man that Loves God more than you/me will naturally be inclined to demonstrate his love to me with patience, respect, faithfulness etc.

    • Reply
      Frances Okoro
      October 27, 2014 at 7:07 pm

      You are very right Highly Favoured.
      I read Adaeze’s post of where she said a man is 99.9 liable to cheat on you whether he loves you/not and it is only the love for God/fear of God in Him that can stop him.
      Not his love for the woman, His love/fear for God.

      And when he loves God more like you said, he will be better able to know how to love the lady.

      As always, thank you for your comments filled with wisdom.

  • Reply
    October 28, 2014 at 9:53 pm

    Amazing piece! And filled with many hitherto unspoken truths. May ur pen never run dry, Frances

  • Reply
    October 29, 2014 at 10:18 pm

    I don’t know if we tend to operate on the same revelations at the same time but you beat me to putting your thoughts down.hehe. Time and again, this truth should be hammered into people especially the women in this generation. A man that is faithful to God will never be unfaithful to you. It’s the blunt truth. Why? I tell people who care to listen that the day great temptations will arise and his love for you will disappear, what will happen? I’m not surprised the rate at which divorce rates are increasing which shouldn’t even be an option for Christians yet we see it clearly.

    Look at the life of Joseph. The law of Moses wasn’t even around yet but he looked at the situation and asked himself, “How can I do this wicked thing and sin against God?” These are the kinds of people we are looking for in our generation. Men who fear God and who put him first in everything. It’s even when he loves God that He can be efficient to love you as Christ loves his church, because if He can learn to love God whom he has not seen and that same God has trained him in that way of love, then he’ll be able to love you as his spouse. It’s very simple but everything in the secular world has just done a good job in turning it upside down.

    Keep rocking girlfriend!

    • Reply
      Frances Okoro
      October 31, 2014 at 4:45 pm

      And it’s really sad the way the world doesn’t get this truth, I don’t know why, but it’s painful to me that we do not know that true love, the way we can love our spouse can only be gotten from our loving God…
      If only girls/ladies will look for this virtue in men and not just material wealth, if only…
      If only, if only marriages will be done God’s way, if only….

      I do thank God for what He is teaching us and helping us to spread this truth too. Prayerfully and hopefully, more people will come to the light.

      And lol, pen your thoughts down oh Itunu, I get wrapped up in a lot too sha without writing down but it’s mega nice to know someone’s operating on the same

  • Reply
    October 31, 2014 at 9:37 am

    Right on point! I’m currently reading “God is your matchmaker” by Stephanie Herzog. I wish i could share but please get a copy.

    • Reply
      Frances Okoro
      October 31, 2014 at 4:33 pm

      Thank you Eny!
      It’s a great book yes? I’ll try to see if I can download it…

  • Reply
    April 15, 2015 at 5:51 pm

    bless u gal….

  • Reply
    Frances Okoro
    April 16, 2015 at 10:34 am

    God bless you bigly too Bukola! 🙂

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