Frances's Love Letters Love&Relationships

The Most Important Thing To Consider When Choosing A Spouse


Dear Abimbola,
This letter has been ringing in my heart for you…
I realize that I stayed silent throughout our conversation about your “relationship dilemma”.
I kept quiet because I was praying for wisdom on what to tell you but then I also kept thinking “why, but she’s missing it…”
I just didn’t know how to tamper my words with love so you get my point and not get defensive…
So I decided to write to you.
Somehow my heart comes through better when I write so I pray it’s the same in this situation.


I listened to you as you talked about the different guys you were having difficulty with choosing which was your husband and I was suspended between smiling and shaking my head, all done in my heart.
I was smiling because hey, here’s a lady with choices to be made as regards a spouse… Some don’t have that privilege.
And then I was shaking my head because all through our conversation, the most important thing you should have considered while choosing a spouse didn’t pass through your lips.

You talked about the fact that one guy was loving and caring, one was so cute, one pulled at the strings of your heart, and with one you had so much passion, you always fought (and made up).
But you didn’t mention #Purpose.
You never said “Frances this one best suits my God-given purpose and I believe that we can both be power couples in God”.
I was sitting there, looking at you and I wanted to ask you…
But does this one guy advance your God-given purpose?
Does he build you up in Christ or pull you down?
Do you see yourselves raising a home that will please God?
Abimbola do you even know the purpose for which God has created you?


All relationships will be worth nothing in the eyes of God – the only One whose approval matters if it doesn’t advance further the purpose for which both of you have been created by God.
And if you haven’t gotten this truth in your heart, enough to consider it first when choosing a spouse, then perhaps you need to let the choice of who to marry stew for a bit while you let Jesus teach you a bit about His purpose for marriages (and relationships that lead to marriage).


Abimbola, I feel like you need to leave the search for who to marry and go find yourself.
And finding yourself and who God has created you to be is best done when you are single with no distractions between you and the one who has created you.
Some persons have a different story and find their purpose when they are already married but I believe that there was a reason why Adam was alone with His creator before Eve was brought into the picture.
Even Eve was sculpted and molded with God alone while Adam was asleep.
Have you spent that time with God alone while being molded by Him or are you trying to skip the process?
If you must find purpose then you must go to your creator – God.
You are trying to jump this process of finding yourself and that’s the reason why you are so confused with qualities that really don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.
What does one guy being cute and one not being cute do for you?
What does one guy being caring and one not being caring do for you?
Don’t get me wrong, these are desires of our heart that God does grant, after all as we delight ourselves in Him, He will give us the desires of our hearts but how can those things be of any help to you if you don’t know whether the guy is God’s chosen spouse for you?
And one of God’s way of choosing your spouse for you is based on whether He aligns with His plans for your life.
And how can you know this if you don’t know God’s own plan for your own life?
I hope you are following my thought process Abimbola…


You cannot skip the process of discovering your purpose and expect to jump into the next step of aligning yourself with someone else without glitches.
In our walk with God, one step flows from the other, not the other way around.
So to me, you are confused about the wrong set of things.
Go to God, find yourself and His plans for your life and when you know what it is, it will help you to chose when different potential spouses come your way.
Knowing your purpose has a way of helping you filter the guys that fit into it and those who don’t.
It streamlines your choices and helps you gain a modicum of knowledge about who to consider as a potential spouse and who you shouldn’t even touch with a long pole.


I believe that it’s time to redefine what matters to you in a relationship.
Yes, you and the guy should be in love, but no, this isn’t the first thing to consider.
The first is, can both your purposes align in Christ, so much so that it advances God’s kingdom better than your individual selves could have done?
He might not have the same purpose with yours but can they fit into each other?


You have to get this right dear because failure to do so will get you into the same rut lots of marriages are in, in the world.
Wrapped up in only love, sex and kids when God has so much more in store for them.
The assignment they should fulfill in God’s agenda being left undone because they do not even know that they have an assignment to carry out.
It’s a sad way to live your marital destiny.


So I beg you Abimbola…
There has to come a time when you leave the things that don’t matter and focus on the things that matter… and that time is now.
You are in your twenties already. Waste time no longer.
Get started on being molded by God and discovering who you are in Him.
Only then can you be aligned with who fits you perfectly.
Get God’s own thoughts about the things that matter in marriage into your head.
Let Him teach you these things Himself and that can only begin when you decide to let Him take the reins.

It seems to me like you are still trying to force your own will in relationships.
You are still basing your choice on the things you can see.
A man can be loving today and cruel tomorrow. You don’t see the future, neither can you see His heart. Only God can. And that’s the reason why you have to prayerfully let Him chose a spouse for you.
He knows best.
So let the things that matter to God in relationships matter to you and one of those things is #Purpose.
You cannot do away with it.
God never creates anything without a niche it’s meant to fill and that includes the institution of marriage.
So please stop all these trial by error ways of you trying to figure out yourself by yourself.
It won’t work and would only leave you more confused because a way might seem right right to you but it only ends in destruction.


So start from the beginning.
Your purpose.
Then you know His purpose.
Then you know if both purposes can align in the marriage God wants to bless you both with.
You can’t skip any step in this.
Go back to the drawing board, the foundation and let God teach you His ways of choosing a spouse that will advance His God-given purposes for the both of you.


I pray that somehow, my heart filtered through my words to you and my message is very well receptive to your heart.
I pray for you just like I pray for myself that you won’t miss it in this all important aspect of life.
You will let God teach you and accept His guidance in Jesus name, amen.

Till my next love letter,


I know…
It should be no wonder that I am writing on purpose as I just released a book on it.
It’s a topic that burns brightly in my heart.
Living forth God’s purpose for our individual lives and even in our marriages…


Basic steps that God has taught me to finding and walking in purpose are all in my recently released book.
And yes, the launch was a success… God was(is) awesome!
Pictures of the launch will be shared on the book page today so like the page here and keep in touch for the walk God is taking the book on.


The details and how the day went, along with video of my talk on purpose will be shared on the blog on Monday.


E-copies, book readings, discussion on purpose, plans in the works for the book (its more than just a book)…etc… all will be shared on the book page and this blog.
So if you desire to walk in purpose/are just being awakened to living a purposeful life/are already waking in purpose…keep in touch. God’s taking us on a ride on this journey and I’m watching Him do it…as you all are.


I’ll see you all here with details on “10 Steps To Walking In purpose” book launch on Monday 🙂



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  • Reply
    Princess Okechukwu
    October 24, 2015 at 9:02 am

    It’s 3am here, and I’m munching into this post now that I can before my busy day starts.

    ‘Knowing your purpose helps in the decision of choosing who to marry and vice versa’ (paraphrased your words)….. That part hit me like a thunderbolt. So much truth in it!

    God is a very strategic One. He is a Mighty King of order, and He will not change His nature. How I see it is that; ‘you can’t know the purpose of two, if you don’t know the purpose of one’. Before there was a purpose for marriage, there was a purpose for man.

    Frances, this piece is such a brilliant piece, very explanatory and detailed. I applaud your consistency. Your passion shines through every thing you do.

    I love you, sis. God bless you

  • Reply
    Frances Okoro
    October 24, 2015 at 10:36 am

    Now this… this had me hmmmmming!…
    “How I see it is that; ‘you can’t know the purpose of two, if you don’t know the purpose of one’. Before there was a purpose for marriage, there was a purpose for man.”

    I really wish we’d get it right here and stop trying to skip the process..too many hurt and pain which can be avoided are hit head on cuz we just dont want to let truth like your words above sink into us..

    And 3am Princess… wowzers!
    I love triple much too sis, cant wait for the day I’d see you….

  • Reply
    October 24, 2015 at 12:23 pm

    I don’t know you, but I’m sure I love you already.. This is a topic that is at the top of my heart. I’m sure all the young people around me are tired of hearing it. PURPOSE & INTIMACY with the HolySpirit
    Marrying a man who doesn’t know his purpose is like “going to visit a man, you see him sitting down, doing nothing. You ask him what are you doing, he says nothing. And says join me, you take a seat and join him doing nothing”. And there is no way you can find out your purpose by yourself. God made you, only he can tell you. Or have we seen a Rubiks cube that tells you how it’s solved?
    I really liked the article. Welldone! xx

    • Reply
      Frances Okoro
      October 25, 2015 at 1:03 am

      Hi Junadia!
      Welcome to the blog… I love me some new blog fam and more so one who is also passionate about God’s purpose for our lives.. I love your analysis…
      Only thing is people think just because they love each other, they are doing something, but still that’s doing nothing in the realm of purpose except the couple know, pursue and follow what God wants them to do….

      Do stay sis..let this love continue 🙂

  • Reply
    Tope Ogunyinka
    October 24, 2015 at 10:04 pm

    This really had me thinking. Not that I didn’t know… but I’m grateful for the reminder. Let’s face it…. sometimes we get carried away by all the physical attributes of the guy, and if he’s a believer it’s all the better! Even if he’s a Christian who says we have the same purpose or he would be willing to support my dreams and purpose?
    Thanks for this beautiful article Frances. God bless you.

    • Reply
      Frances Okoro
      October 25, 2015 at 12:58 am

      Sometimes I also feel God makes me write these things to act as a reminder to myself when I need it reminders like this is verrry important.

      I’ve had God say no to a believer before so I know one can be unequally yoked with a born again man.
      Being saved must be there as a criteria but not every saved person is our person..thats why still, prayers when making choices are very important.
      God help us all…

  • Reply
    October 26, 2015 at 9:28 am

    this post resonates with my heart…..
    this is one of the reasons for divorce and in such situations i begin to wonder if one can even do anything about bringing the spouses together.

    When you marry someone, its for the rest of your life so its important to make the right decision.
    how would you even know who is right when you don’t know that you are right?
    knowing your G0d given purpose is important so you don’t get tangled up in a relationship that draws you away from it.
    i have heard tales like “i want to spread the gospel but my husband won’t let me, i want to give and help people but my husband has restricted my control on all things finance”. i know of a lady, my mum’s friend who sneaks out for vigils…who goes out to the compound when she wants to pray at night because her husband forbids her to. she wants to share the gospel, help save souls as she was saved but her marriage won’t let her, being a christain, she cannot resort to divorce.

    to choose a partner, as Frances rightly said, you have to discover your God-Given purpose with God’s help ofcourse and then evaluate if your purpose and his align to God’s Glory.

    I Pray God Helps you through the journey Abimbola

    p.s i can’t really say, its been long i’ve been on the blog…its just only been long i commented but know i’m still here o, just hiding in the shadows for a while

    • Reply
      Frances Okoro
      October 29, 2015 at 9:17 am

      “how would you even know who is right when you don’t know that you are right?”

      Wow Vicky…this is just deep.
      When you don’t even know you are right…
      I’m so sorry about the lady who’s been restricted by her husband to do the things God has placed on her heart to do.
      It’s so sad. I cant imagine myself in that kinda situation, it won’t be funny. Frustration and all will surround me, and husband or love can’t quench that thirst.

      And the man is your head, so you disobey him, it’s an issue with God. See why it’s good to chose a good head.
      God help us all ohhh.

      And Kai, all these in the shadows, what do I do to make you guys come out???
      Please give me

      • Reply
        October 29, 2015 at 6:45 pm

        lol. the shadows are comfy but i try to take a walk sometimes.

        • Reply
          Frances Okoro
          October 30, 2015 at 5:39 pm

          Okay ohh, Plss keep walking to the comment side over and over again..

  • Reply
    October 27, 2015 at 5:08 am

    God bless you so much for sharing this. This is so true. When God provided Ruth a husband, He brought her into the lineage of Christ ( into His purpose) when He made Esther the queen , it was in accordance to His purpose of using her to save His people, her marriage was for a purpose.

    Princess I love your comment- you can’t know the purpose of two if you don’t know the purpose of one.

    Find purpose.

    • Reply
      Frances Okoro
      October 29, 2015 at 8:57 am

      Hmmmm Obx…sound examples!
      God never does anything without a purpose and this includes in marriage too.

      And princess’ comment just capped up this entire post! Me loves it three!

  • Reply
    November 10, 2015 at 8:39 pm

    This is so very important.
    Its something every single person should understand before making a decision on who to marry. It puts everything in perspective.
    Thanks for the apt words, Frances; much love. xxx

    • Reply
      Frances Okoro
      November 11, 2015 at 9:47 pm

      I pray as we read, the Spirit brings the words to our heart when we need them in Jesus name, Gracdmisfit.

  • Reply
    November 12, 2015 at 7:10 pm

    abimbola may not be my name but am actually going thru almost the same thing. I had resolved to let go of all and just hold God tight and now reading this have strengthened my resolve. Thank you and God bless you


    • Reply
      Frances Okoro
      November 12, 2015 at 8:56 pm

      Hi Memsie…
      Good to have you here!

      Sooo glad you have decided to put God first in your decisions maritally…i’m also with you on this path, grace is available to help you keep to your resolve…yes!

  • Reply
    December 30, 2015 at 7:37 pm

    My dear, a few years back, I was Abimbola oh.
    Praying desperately for God to send my husband.
    It never occurred to me that his not sending it was an act of love cos I was purposeless. Lol.
    Suddenly now that I know it, I don’t blink before saying no to the ones coming. Even supposed born again ones.
    The criteria dey very simple.= Is he the one person aligned by God for his purpose in creating me? Is he the one that is supposed to be my partner in this kingdom assignment? Does he have the attributes?
    And of course prayer.

    My days of going from pastor to pastor for prayers on suitability are over jare.
    All I can do now is thank God for allowing me wait to discover that purpose.
    If I had married earlier it would have been a DISASTER. That destiny don get comma be that. Lol.
    In fact,I hope to write about this one day.

    • Reply
      Frances Okoro
      December 31, 2015 at 4:22 pm

      I’m just doing hmmmmm here Esther!
      I’m so with you on the thanksgiving being offered on not getting married before now…woah! i’m sooo thankful!

      And your guideline on purpose, yes, so needed! And hmm, not every born again man is my born again man, so much more the reason why we need prayers…

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