Ruby Suze: I Like Sex But I Love Intimacy More

Let me just let something out of the bag – I like sex but, I love intimacy. I don’t ever get a ‘headache’ and rarely am I ‘tired’. My husband is a very lucky man. Let me tell you why…

Chatting with my best friend one day, she told me that she wants her husband to be her best friend. I rolled my eyes. Like that big time eye roll. The kind where your eyes almost detach themselves from the muscles, hula hoop around your eye socket and return to their original position. You see, I was a ‘Hollywood love’ cynic and as the years went on – my cynicism grew. My experience of men was very far from the ‘boy meets girl’ phenomena where he does endless heart wrenching gestures of love. And the early years of our marriage fed my cynism. We struggled to understand each other, to find our rhythm. But, last year I made a life altering discovery…I had been confusing sex and intimacy, focusing on the act and not our presence in each others lives.

We were opportuned to go away on a life changing marriage retreat called Marriage Encounter. There we learnt how to create true intimacy. We let down the barriers we had built around our hearts. I switched on my ears and had to let him into my heart – my fears, hurts, joys, dreams, hopes and joys. It was a stripping away, an undressing, an unveiling of everything I held dear and we kept going until I was there before him completely bare. What we achieved in that weekend was the ability to stand before each other like Adam and Eve – naked and unashamed. I’m not talking about the physical sex – I’m talking intimacy. We were at a place where we weren’t assuming what each other was about, we could really SEE what we were both about. We were just how Adam and Eve were at the start of time – naked and unashamed.
“And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed or embarrassed.”

-Genesis 2:25

This uncovering that we experienced echoed when the veil tore when Jesus Christ died. When it tore it signified Gods deepest desire to get to know us personally. No longer would we need to go through a priest, we could have 24/7, 365, access to God himself.

I believe God wants us to experience this level of intimacy in our marriage. This is why before he mentioned that Adam and Eve had ‘sex’ he told us that they were naked. When the Bible did mention that Adam and Eve had sex, the original Hebrew word used was ‘yada’ – meaning ‘to know’. How awesome is that?!
Genesis 4:1
Now Adam knew Eve as his wife…

This word ‘yada’ is used in the bible to describe the sharing of love like between Adam and Eve – husband and wife. It is also used to describe the ability to show ‘mercy’. Imagine how different a marriage would be with more demonstrations of mercy, homes would be more peaceful and there would be far less ‘headaches’.

Yada also means to act justly, exemplifying good character. The Bible shows us that there is importance in ‘knowing’ our husbands and not just sexing them. For us not to be nagging wives but of good character, speaking in love.

It was Gods intention, his design and desire for us to share intimacy. Of course, ‘we’ twisted it and made it something it’s not. We have tried to remove this nakedness, this pure unadulterated vulnerability, pressing fast forward to enjoy ‘the sex’ but, we’re cutting ourselves short. We’re not experiencing intimacy, we’re just going through the mechanics. Just because our bits fit, that doesn’t mean that’s the way they are supposed to work.

Women have fallen into sin (I don’t particularly like that terminology – nobody trips and lands on a bed with legs spread – we make a bad choice – I made it too – anyway – I digress) Many women have made the bad choice to sleep with a man in order to ‘keep’ him, only to be heart broken to see that he marries someone else. Perhaps, he marries a virgin and then you feel guilty that you ‘gave it up’ too early. Perhaps, he marries someone who would do all that you wouldn’t do and more. The truth is – it’s not the sex that made him leave you. It’s never the sex. Men are not as simple as that, they are much more intelligent than we give them credit for. You see, it’s probably that she had the key to his heart. It’s not because she was more yellow, more beautiful, it was nothing to do with her physique or her ability to cook and definitely NOT because of what is between her legs. It’s heart – all about his heart. You want to know the single way to keep your man? Have his heart.
Proverbs 31:11
The heart of her husband trusts in her (with secure confidence), and he will have no lack of gain.

How do you have his heart since, you’re not a surgeon? Be the kind of woman he can lean on. Be the woman that doesn’t freak out when the red bill lands on the door step. Be the kind of woman, he can hear praying for the in laws that have offended you. Be the woman who is interested in his pursuits and not just his faults. Be the woman who speaks the truth (including his inate ability to leave his shoes in the middle of the floor when he walks through the door). Be the woman who doesn’t use his greatest fears against him. Be the woman who protects him from his own ego. You allow him to love you – and accept his love despite the pain that you have experienced in the past. You know what his favourite colour is and who his best friend was in primary school. Be the woman that frees him from the responsibility of making you happy.

Let my parting words be, crave INTIMACY more than you crave sex. Trust me – when you have his heart and you both ‘get it on’, the difference is so clear. I’m talking earth moving, fireworks popping, earthquakes, express return ticket to heaven. There are plenty of people in this world that are having sex, great sex, fantastic sex, with all karma sutra positions BUT, it is so much better with intimacy.

Intimacy also known as INTO ME SEE.

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