Frances's Love Letters Love&Relationships

My Reasons For Not Kissing Before Marriage

My dearest single ladies and gentlemen,
You guys are VIPS you know?
We are so privileged to be in the league of people who can have godly insight on relationship and marriage even before we get in there.
Like Myles Munroe says in the Myth Of Singleness, the journey to having the awesome marriage we desire starts from now – in singlehood.
But singlehood isn’t what I want to write to you about today.

Like I said in my last love letter to you, the posts on kissing before marriage just may roll on for a while.
Believe me, I really don’t want to dabble into these waters but there’s a pull to still make things clear and publish the words in my heart so this is just me obeying.
And as an aside, I always like to say that God has a sense of humor, I almost think that He is using me to write all these now so that there is no going back for me when the man comes.
I mean, I can’t teach and then be found wanting can I?
Ok, if you are new to this kissing before marriage topic, click here and here to read previous posts.


Last week I answered the question on whether kissing before marriage was a sin or not a sin using the Word and we wrapped up with the consensus that everyone should be guided by the Word and by the Spirit, not by someone else’s conviction.
And that said, I was again pulled to write about my reasons for abstaining.
I don’t totally get the reason yet, it could be meant for someone who’s at a cross road on whether to make the decision to not kiss before marriage or not.


If you have read my book or this blog for a while, then you already know that I had a life ruled by sexual addictions before and even after I came to Christ.
Pornography, premarital sex… the works.
After I came to Christ, I of course couldn’t dabble in such anymore but still, it took God’s grace to let go totally.
I have been celibate for almost 5years going, I haven’t kissed anyone since 2012 and I have been free from pornography and masturbation for almost a year.
*Side note, not by my own power, by God’s grace*


I first thought about not kissing before marriage last year.
I was on a spiritual high after a power packed conference and just thought about it but didn’t make any decision on it.
This year I was considering someone for a relationship, we went out a few times and there was a day he visited me, held my hands, gave me a peck on the forehead and it seemed like it was supposed to be romantic, but it wasn’t.
After the visit I traveled to Akure and I had no rest in my spirit.
I just knew that something was wrong.
He didn’t kiss me but held my hands and pecked me.
Was Jesus okay with that?
My spirit told me that He wasn’t, what with such unrest I had inside me.
And then God told me that my body – my entire body was all His.
I knew what I was feeling in my spirit but I was still searching the Word for a backing of what I knew He was asking me to do.
I read Romans 12:1 in the NLT version and it didn’t seem like nothing till I read it in the AMP version. (refer back to the first post here for full details on this passage)
Only then, when the Word sank into me did I make a decision not to kiss before marriage.


Why did it take me so long to accept that God wanted me to abstain from all intimacy before marriage?
Well, because it seemed incredulous to me.
Remember my sexual history?
I had finally gotten to a point where I was offering my whole body to God as a sacrifice but the lips? That seemed like a whole lot to do.
If one had never done it before, that would be a different case, but why me Lord? Me who have done everything before??
As I write this I am smiling… that person who did all those things before isn’t me. That person is dead and gone.
This person’s entire body belongs to God including her lips.
She is totally sold out to God and if God, her husband says “I don’t want you giving any part of your body to someone I haven’t joined you with” then she says yes.


I got some responses from both male and female singles after the last post and to some extent, I could smile and say “this is what sincerely asking the Spirit some questions can do”.
Most of the people who reached out to me posed some questions to themselves on kissing before marriage while laying it all in line with the Word.

What would be my reason for kissing my partner before marriage?
Does kissing him or her give me sexual pleasure?
Would it stoke up the fire in me or quench it?
Won’t I want more?
Would it be an appearance of evil?
Would it also lead my fellow brother or sister into sin?
And most of them concluded that the sincere answer to those questions wasn’t one the Spirit would like.
So they are abstaining from kissing before marriage.


Now, I was glad because I didn’t force anyone to make that decision.
I was in Delta State last week where a sister told me she read my post and made the decision to abstain also.
I never knew that she did that.
What did I do?
I simply gave my reasons for abstaining and I asked everyone to sincerely ask the Spirit what He would have them do.

What I would encourage anyone to do in this instance?
Well, I have had an history with sexual sins and I can tell you that most times it begins with a harmless kiss.
A seemingly harmless hug that reaches deep into your soul.
A visit in the house when no one but the both of you are at home.
A little spark of fire that rages till it is satisfied and oh, incase you didn’t know, the fire of lust is never satisfied, instead it traps you deeper until you start walking in freedom God has given you over it.
Knowing God as our beautiful, caring and loving Father, it stands to reason that He would want us to not start a flame that we can’t quench.
It really does stand to reason that He would want us to totally abstain from all appearance of fleshy lust including kissing.
That is my personal conviction and that is what I would encourage my younger sisters, my brothers, my friends, my darling blog readers to follow.
And that is what I am doing with these posts on kissing before marriage.

But more than my words and convictions on it, which can only guide you and sow seeds in your heart, the ultimate conviction on this can only come from God.
Which is why I will state my reasons like I have done here, ask you to look into your heart sincerely and let the Spirit lead you in this.
Because the conviction that the Spirit gives is more than any kind of conviction my words or that of another person can give you.
And when you get that kind of conviction from the Spirit, He graces you to follow through on it.
You are less likely to just do whatever you want when it’s the Spirit Himself who has laid the command on your heart.
So yes, read my reasons, know my stand on this, let it tug at your heart, but ultimately, let God lead you on this.

Till Next Time On Frances’s Love Letters,

P.S: There are still two posts ringing in my heart on this topic, and for the first time on this blog, I am considering not posting them.
I personally don’t want to be involved in a controversial topic and I am doing my best to be guided by the Spirit and the Word on this.
So if you see another post on this topic next week, don’t roll your eyes please, read it, you might need it later or it just might be meant for someone else who’d come in contact with you 🙂


P.P.S: Ezar commented on the last post with some words that everyone thinking of making this decision should totally read. It’s a bit long, but I’m being a darling and I am posting it below.
August 2, 2015 at 9:47 am (Edit)
Lolzzzz. My comment will be long today mehnnnn. In school, I didn’t think twice about kissingooooo.  I figured that other people were doing worse things, so it wasn’t that big a deal. Now I wish I had reserved such kisses for my husband , instead of dispensing them to boys I never saw again after graduation. But at the time I didn’t think about the future. I just looked at the handsome men around me and figured that this was the way life was supposed to be.
When my relationships matured and deepened and I began taking them to prayer, I gave up any kind of kissing because it would always ignite the desire to go further. It was also pushing other aspects of the relationship to the side. I knew in my heart that I could not say with confidence that this kind of intimacy was pleasing to God.
Now, But I have met women who act surprised when they find out that a man is sexually aroused by passionate kissing (or before then). Kissing is deeply unitive, since the penetration of one person into another is part of becoming one with him or her physically. Passionate kissing tells a man’s body that it should prepare for intercourse, and when a man is aroused, generally he is not satisfied until he is relieved. Therefore, kissing, especially my favorite brand-French kissing, teases the body with desires that cannot be morally satisfied outside of marriage. For the couple that is saving sex for marriage, kissing is like a fifteen-year-old sitting in a car in his driveway, revving up the engine while keeping the car in park because he knows he does not have the license to drive….lolzzzz
I believe that the moral problem with kissing is harder for girls to understand, because they tend to be aroused sexually in a more gradual way than guys. If a woman’s arousal could be compared to an iron heating up, a guy’s could be compared to a light bulb. Sensual reactions in guys tend to be more immediate, and when the flame of sexual arousal is ignited, a man often wants to go further. He might be content for some time with just kissing. But when a couple have passionate make-out sessions and try to draw the line there, one of two things will eventually happen: either the original boundaries will disappear, or frustration will set in. In the one case, sexual arousal will become routine, and the couple will begin to justify new forms of physical intimacy.  Perhaps they will stop the first, second, or third time, but gradually the old boundaries will be pushed back because they begin to experience the intoxicating bonding power that God has in store for couples in marriage.
Otherwise, one of them may end up hearing the same thing this girl did: “My boyfriend and I don’t go any further than making out, but recently he said to me after we were kissing, ‘Don’t you ever just get . . . bored?”
Lolzzzzzzzz. As the years have gone by I’ve to come to view my kiss as a gift. I view it as something very special, something I can treasure, something that I can save and share with my husband alone.
I love the story told by Jennie Bishop titled The Princess and the Kiss. The royal parents have a baby girl and give her the gift of her very first kiss. They explain to the princess that it is her gift to keep or give away as she chooses.They then go on to warn her that many man will try to take her gift, but she should be wise and save her it for the man she would marry.
I tell my students that Instead of viewing your kiss as something meaningless and cheap, view it as a very expensive treasure box. It’s your job to keep your treasure safe until the person with the right key comes to unlock it. Like the princess above, you will probably have some guys stop by with hopes to get a piece of your treasure. If they don’t have the key (the wedding band) don’t let them open the box abeg. Don’t let the way Hollywood…Hannah Montana nd co… devalues the kiss deceive you into thinking it’s not that special. It really is a gift from God that you should one day enjoy to the fullest with your husband. Once you are married I say “the more kissing the better!”
Nevertheless, some say that kissing is really no big deal and does not mean anything. But isn’t there something in you that wants it to be a big deal? The more of ourselves we give away, the less we value the gift of our body and our entire self (and people will respond by treating us with less respect as well).  Ask yourself what your kisses are worth. Are they a way to repay a guy for a nice evening?
Are they a solution to boredom on a date?
Are they a way to cover up hurts or loneliness?
Even worse, are they merely for “harmless” fun?
If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then we have forgotten the purpose of a kiss and the meaning of intimacy.
So do not segregate parts of your sexuality as “no big deal.” Your entire body is an infinitely big deal, and this includes your kisses. If we realize this, the simplest of kisses becomes priceless and brings more closeness and joy than 100 one-night stands.


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