Frances's Love Letters Love&Relationships

My Cooking Skills Do Not Define Me

Originally on BellaNaija


This article was misinterepeted a lot and it is my hope that someone gets the real meaning I was trying to pass across…



When I was younger, I used to have a very sharp and acidic tongue.
I could go off in a crazy roll when anything at all got on my nerves-just prepare to be assaulted with words in really big grammar.
As I grew in maturity and consequently gave my life to Christ however, everything changed. I am now more for diplomacy, tact and respect. And that is why even if what I am writing about now makes me want to fly off the handle sometimes, I am going to put my somewhat controversial views across with as much tact as I can muster.
There’s a joke flying around the Internet right now.
It goes like this – “you are 25 and you can’t cook, you can’t wash clothes, you can’t clean and you want a man to love you for who you are. Who are you really?”
Some laugh when they see this but I don’t. I think it’s absolutely degrading to say the least.
Why would the whole essence of a person be predicated on whether she can clean or not?
Now before I go on and before anyone gets the wrong ideas, I must say that I started cooking in J.S 2, I can toast a very bad chicken stew when needed and I launder my clothes myself so this has nothing to do with me.
I also had a twitter conversation with someone on the above issue last year and it seemed really offensive to me then and still does.
Why would anyone want to ascribe value on someone based on JUST their home making skills?
What about their talents?
What about their loving and kind hearts?
What about the fact that they have touched so many lives?
Why would the basis of their existence be relegated to just the fact that they can clean really good?
What about the fact that some women just don’t enjoy cooking?
What about the fact that some grew up in dysfunctional homes and their mothers were not home to train them up in home making skills?
And what about the fact that some women are not just interested in marriage and having someone to launder their clothes, tidy up their apartment while they pursue their career is good enough for them?
We have to understand that people were raised differently and that what someone wants maybe a whole lot different from what another person needs.
I have brothers and friends and I know the chores deemed to be for men but the men are not measured based on whether they can wash a car are they?
They aren’t measured based on whether they can change a light bulb.
Some are so skinny and can’t even lift up a hammer to hit a nail or do any of the things that the manpower of men require… but despite this, none of them are judged based on their lack of manly home skills.


The double standards should stop.
Yes, I aim to be a virtuous woman.
Yes, I have home making skills and I yearn to even learn more of them.
But the line should be drawn.
The ENTIRETY of who a woman is isn’t the fact that she can cook and clean.
It isn’t the fact that she can turn 360 degrees which so ever way on the bed with a man.
Let’s set facts straight and get things right.
Who we are- who women are is not based on their home making skills.
It is based on their heart…
On their soul…
On what they bring to the table…
On what impact they make in the world…
On what lives they touched…
On how fully they lived the gift called lives they were given…
The standards are the same for men and women and should be seen to be the same.
Like it or not, when God calls us all up there tomorrow or farther than tomorrow, He won’t be asking if you cooked or cleaned really well while you were on earth.
He would ask you if you gave it all-if you used all He placed in you to affect your world. That’s what really matters.
And it is important that the things that really matter sink into our heads too.



I should reiterate that I never said cooking skills are bad, I really don’t know how people got that idea…

I am just saying that women should not be judged and analyzed or measured as being worth something based on the fact that they can cook/not cook.

Hopefully, someone gets my point.






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  • Reply
    November 22, 2014 at 12:13 pm

    You see, the society has somewhat succeeded in twisting the ideology of women from what it was meant to be. A woman is a woman regardless of whatever homemaking qualities she possesses or not. But what do we have today? It is a new pattern, that if she doesn’t have this or that or certain physical features in certain proportions she becomes less of a woman.
    I totally get your point Frances…and I’ll say cooking and cleaning are great cos it makes running the home smoother, and easier.

  • Reply
    Frances Okoro
    November 22, 2014 at 6:09 pm

    Just spot on Uje… you got the point.
    And I totally agree with you.
    Yes cooking, cleaning et al is great, makes for a great home but the entirety of women are shouldn’t just be wrapped up in it.

  • Reply
    November 23, 2014 at 12:42 pm

    Jeez, i just want to keep reading and sharing all your posts..i think I’ve got some additional work to do during xmas

  • Reply
    Frances Okoro
    November 23, 2014 at 2:40 pm

    🙂 Vicky…
    Do your work well and I hope the blog also does the work it’s meant to do in you too…lol.
    Thank youu

  • Reply
    November 24, 2014 at 4:28 am

    I get the point and it’s about time we let the society stop making us feel less of ourselves.

  • Reply
    Frances Okoro
    November 24, 2014 at 9:00 am

    Yes Esther. We need to know that our value comes from who God says we are and not from society.

  • Reply
    January 10, 2015 at 4:21 pm

    Eh en? I have missed. So all this has been happening on blogosphere. Well done Frances. Tell them o, most people know it secretly but are afraid to say so. My mum used to say that Yoruba proverb ‘ Olobe lo loko is wrong’ that it should be ‘olowo lo loko’ that is the prosperous and hardworking woman would have enough funds to employ as many cooks and other professionals if needed to pamper her husband. Her own role should be to keep her husband company and pamper him.

  • Reply
    January 10, 2015 at 5:43 pm

    Eh en? I have missed. So all this has been happening on blogosphere. Well done Frances. Tell them o, most people know it secretly but are afraid to say so. My mum used to say that Yoruba proverb ‘ Olobe lo loko is wrong’ that it should be ‘olowo lo loko’ that is the prosperous and hardworking woman would have enough funds to employ as many cooks and other professionals if needed to pamper her husband. Her own role should be to keep her husband company and pamper him and my father agreed with her

    • Reply
      Frances Okoro
      January 11, 2015 at 7:43 pm

      Naijamum of life!
      Welcome back!
      You have indeed missed oh, happy New year ma 🙂

      And I love your wise words..your dad agreed with that? Wow!
      Most people didn’t don’t want to agree with this in public oh, I got a lot of backlash for this sef..
      But will we do? We will say the truth as it is.
      I am surprised to see a generation that’s not mine that agrees with

  • Reply
    September 12, 2015 at 1:37 pm

    Nigerian men always looking for ‘submissive’ wives like they are looking for servants/slaves, not even a partner they should be one with, mtschew. My blame goes to families, the society and preachers. In families, parents esp mothers spend too much time training girls on how to be ‘good’ wives but nobody trains the men on how to be good husbands too. And by ‘good’ they mean you have to just be so meek/humble, even foolish so that men will like you enough to marry you. The society knows the chores/roles of wives… she has to clean, she has to cook, blablabla but no standards at all for men.

    For the preachers, it is sad when they keep quoting that women be submissive part of the bible without completing the inspiration of the word in that passage. To me, the man has the greater role to play in marriage but sadly, many of them do not know. Right there, after St.Paul tells women to respect/honor their husbands, he tells men to ‘love your wives’ And if you understand the Corinthians13 kinda love, you will know what is expected of men is not the smaller role. Love your wives. How? ‘even as Christ loves the church’. So, how does Christ love the church?

    This is how Christ loves the church. Loving her, fighting for her, defending her, forgiving her, guiding her, sanctifying her… always hoping she returns to him, bearing her hurting him, keeping no records of her wrongs, suffering long for her. He is patient with her, kind towards her, is not easily angered by her wrong actions. Infact he died for her. Christ DIED for his bride and even more, he loves her so much he promised to come back for her someday. He gave himself for his church. That is how God expects men to love their wives. By giving them a model to look upon, (Jesus) while loving their wives. But no, they are too busy charging women to be submissive. That physical strength given men is for them to protect/defend women and children, not to Lord over them. See how Jesus was kinda more compassionate and protecting towards the women in the bible (Mary, Martha and all. He even didn’t encourage Martha in her cooking for him. He preferred that she just chills out with him and Mary. Oh Jesus, I loveee you.) This is the real bae!

    Please do a blogpost and teach men that loving their wives is also contained in that chapter of the bible. You can use this comment. And though it wasn’t specifically said that women should love their husbands, that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t. In the same manner, women being told to be submissive, doesn’t mean that men too shouldn’t submit to their wives too, all in the Lord. Just treat your spouse how Jesus will, if he was the one married to them.

    I just hope men learn from how Jesus lived. This God washed the feet of his servants, what will he not do for his bride. Nothing. That should be the spirit leading us. Something is wrong with any Christian man who is busy looking for Mrs Submissive when he ain’t ready to wash her feet. You are just like the pharisees who didn’t recognize the Kingship of Jesus. In their pride, they were looking for a high and mighty Messiah when the demons were the ones that recognized him and called him Jesus of Nazareth. I cant wait to have a son and teach him all these.

    • Reply
      Frances Okoro
      September 14, 2015 at 12:01 am

      Oh Lynda, amen to having a son and teaching him all these things… I pray for them already that they grow up to be men rooted in God in totality..
      and i already have a post in my journal written on the Ephesians 5:25 man and your comment is just sooooo alike with it, i was just smiling through it all.
      Will get to you when i put it up, will surely do 🙂

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