September 9th was supposed to be my friend, Henry’s birthday, if he were to be alive. And I have tried to avoid putting up this post.
I was at Akure like I mentioned in yesterday’s post… uhm, yes there was a post yesterday, I uploaded it after the scheduled time emails are supposed to go out, so email notifications weren’t sent.
Tis on #WalkingInPurpose so you really need to go on and click here to read.
Like I was saying, I used the time at Akure to steal a trip and had a great time. I was thinking of putting up the chronicles of my yesterday’s #12Trip Challenge because it would save me the whole deal of facing Henry’s death. Again.
I still haven’t been able to read the post I wrote when he died.
And I even wrote this post since April, but I just couldn’t put it up.
But today, in honour of H’s birthday, it’s going up.
On my way back home last night, I suddenly had a flash back of him leaning over the balcony at Law School while we talked… I paused for a minute in the bus, still couldn’t smile. All I said was Happy Birthday in arrears H. I hope you are with Jesus.
Anyways, here’s the letter I wrote in April. It’s on another lesson from my time with him.
I was supposed to share the lessons in a series of posts but stuff happened.
I might still put them up when I can, or I might not. Not sure yet.
But at least I am putting up this one today…
I have been thinking about you a lot recently, I know you are gone, but your name still pops into my head at the oddest times.
I prefer to think that you are in heaven, I would have loved to hear some gist from you.
Have you seen Abraham yet? What about David? I’m still going to name my second son after him you know.
And Apostle Paul who’s Christian life I so envy?
I wonder if God mentioned anything about our time together to you.
Do you now understand why He had to tell me to break our friendship at that point in time?
I’d really love to know.
Or better still, I’d love to have just one more phone call from you.
I say that I miss you anytime I think of you now – something I never said to you while you were with me.
But oh well…
I abandoned this series that I was writing on lessons from our time together at Law School but I think you’ll be glad if I continue with them right?
I remember the first time you ever knew that I write.
I was always scribbling away in my jotter while seated in class and you were forced to ask me what I was writing.
When I showed you, you just blurted out “did all this just come from your head? Are you sure?”
They came from my head and this piece will be coming from my head too – from my time with you.
I’m sure that you will be glad to know that others can learn from this article. Be rest assured that if I had any other motive to this, I would not write anymore.
So let me get on with today’s lesson right?
I remember when we just started getting to know each other.
I was the tough and hardened girl.
I never called.
I never so much as flashed back when I saw your missed call.
Treated you like “I could care less whether you were there or not”
But that changed after a while.
With each call that you placed to me…
With each kindness that you showed to me…
With each apology you tendered when I was the one in the wrong…
I used to wonder, “why is this guy still staying? Haven’t I treated you badly enough?”
I wasn’t being mean deliberately, I had just learnt to keep guys at arms length and not give my heart away before you.
Yes, it was supposed to be just friendship but I don’t let friends get up in my heart easily, so I gave you a hard time, but your kindness finally won.
Little by little I started calling back.
Started going out with you.
Accepting your gifts and spending hours after class just talking…
And the heart that was supposed to stay suspended in granite melted without my knowing.
It wasn’t till God nudged me that I knew that my heart was already gone, and that is a basis of a big lesson that I still carry around me today.
I remember walking upstairs in my hostel during the time I was struggling with God to let you go.
And He told me something I wrote down in my journal.
He said “Frances, guard your heart, I can’t give your heart away to “him” when it is already occupied, guard your heart”
The words resounded deeply within me and were a match with what a mentor had told me.
The heart is a tricky thing, very crafty and easily moved.
God knows this and that’s the reason why He warns us to guard it.
How could I have guarded my heart in the instance between the both of us?
Spending every waking moment with you wasn’t supposed to be.
Taking your calls in the morning and night…
When we weren’t together, we were talking with each other, your words were all up in my head and also in my heart.
And there are no two ways to it, you relate with each other that much and bonds will be formed, feelings will be developed and that’s what happened.
God made me see that it was deeper than giving my heart away, He couldn’t release it to someone else if it wasn’t free.
My heart should be in His hands, where He is free to give a part of it to only His chosen man for me.
I’m glad to say that my heart is wholly with God now.
I’m glad to say that I have learned my lessons.
If Mr man doesn’t seem like God’s chosen for me, I don’t waste time with the whole dates and stuff things.
No I don’t love free food so much at the expense of what I know is the right thing to do.
I meet a guy and I’m praying right along with it all.
Placing God first every step of the way and not my heart first.
Thank you so much for letting God use you to teach me these lessons H.
Letting you go was one of the hardest things I ever did emotionally – not that you’d ever have known that because I seemed all hardened.
I may have given you grief a lot. I know that a lot of times you felt taken for granted but I know that God molded me during my time with you.
It was in our friendship that God healed me from my distrust of men in general.
He resurrected hurts from 6years ago and made me whole through my friendship with you.
And he taught me these lessons that keep guiding me even now a year later.
I pray that I will see you again on the last day.
Then we can gist as true brother and sister indeed.
Your Frances eh.
P.S – I still have some lessons in this series to share but I will only share as its laid in my heart to.
I may not write and share them back to back but I’m certain that I will post them all after a while.
You can see previous posts in this series here
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EstherSeptember 12, 2015 at 4:24 pm
I remember reading about the post of his death on a Sunday and I felt terrible. I am happy for the lessons you’ve learnt and have helped me learn.
Frances OkoroSeptember 13, 2015 at 2:23 pm
I am thankful for the lessons too Esther..thankful.
I want to believe he is in heaven, we’ll meet again.
AbisolaSeptember 12, 2015 at 6:36 pm
Oh Frances, u just reminded me of Henry again, he was such a loving and caring guy. Continue to rest in the Lord Henry
Frances OkoroSeptember 13, 2015 at 2:19 pm
He sure was an awesome guy Bisi…may he continue to RIP
ikechiSeptember 20, 2015 at 5:28 pm
What a touching letter? I had so much insight reading this post. Thanks for sharing.
Frances OkoroSeptember 22, 2015 at 10:16 am
Thank you for reading Ikechi, and sharing too.
Glad it spoke to you 🙂
thegracedmisfitOctober 4, 2015 at 3:57 pm
Guarding one’s heart. It’s been a big issue for me in the past and its a lesson that I am still learning. I thank God that it has gotten to the stage when my spirit seriously pricks me at times when I am doing less than I should in terms of guarding my heart. Like you’ve said, its the “little” things – constant conversation and so on that builds the deep bonds. Thanks for sharing the lessons from your time with H.
I pray that God continues to soothe the pain caused to you by H’s passing.
I’m really glad to be back here, I have quite a lot of catching up to do. *big hug*
Frances OkoroOctober 12, 2015 at 9:50 am
Catch up all the way gracdmisfit..glad to see your footprints on here…
And I am glad too at how God has made me see the good even from me and Henry’s time together. The lessons are priceless and His comfort has been amazing.
I pray we all heed even as our spirits pick what God wants to get down to us per time as regards relationships…
YomiFebruary 27, 2017 at 12:28 am
Thanks for sharing this!!! I also had a similar experience (the whole falling for the wrong person ish…with God warning me but my heart had already melted…lol) but i thank God for helping me let go, it was really hard oh (emotional things ehn) but I thank God!!!
Frances OkoroMarch 9, 2017 at 6:36 am
Tell me about it Yomi!
As in.. thank God for saving us and pulling us out of disastrous paths..