In my relationship with the Lord, I have found out that there are a few things that I struggle with. One of them is His faithfulness. Another is His goodness.
I have so many testimonies of God’s goodness; one of them being the way He provides for me and sees to my every need. I literally have testimonies of God’s miraculous hand of provision in my life, even as regards the little things. Little things like transport fare or just me thinking of something and He brings it but over and over again, I seem to have a certain fear that can be best coached in the question âGod, will you really give me something that good?â
I will share a raw example with you.
Few weeks back I was reading a book by Karen Kingsbury, one that featured a marriage with a wonderful man and a home built on Christ. The joy in the family was palpable, it rang through my heart. It is something I desire and believe that I will get but somehow as I thought about it that day, I started to cry.
I wanted to ask/thank God that He will give me that kind of home/man, instead I was overwhelmed by my thoughts that I didn’t deserve it.
I said to God in tears that day: âLord, will you really, really give me this kind of man? I know that I do not deserve it, I am so ashamed to even ask you for kids when I know that I aborted the previous ones you gave me. Will you really give me a mighty good man and children in the future again?â
My throat is clogged with tears as I type the above right now because this is a really sensitive topic for me.
Sometimes I feel like I have no right to ask God to be good to me as regards certain parts of my life. And sometimes when things aren’t going so well, I struggle with thoughts as to whether my Father is still a good Father.
I have tried to think on why I struggle with God’s goodness, whether it comes from my relationship with my own earthly father but I found no answer there. My dad is a great man and even though we have our issues (as we all do) my dad will scramble to help when I open my mouth and say that I have a need. Even if it hurts him, still he will look for a way to provide. My dad has always been a sacrificial father to me. To us.
So the answer to why I doubt God’s goodness does not lie therein. It probably lies in my heart or in preconceived notions of how God should be.
Yesterday morning during my quiet time I scrolled unto Psalm and saw this:
âFor the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless.â
The above verse was one God woke me up with last year. I was going through wilderness seasons; one where things were hard and my ability to see God as good was again being clouded. He gave me that above verse.
I went to Church that day and happened to attend the baby dedication service and also heard testimonies God had done in others lives.
I wept like a baby because all that went through my head was âHe is REALLY GOODâ.
And it wasn’t just about the fact that these people had amazing testimonies to share;some of them had gone through a long period of waiting. There was just something in me that twisted at the sound of them all praising God.
A Psalm of David.
âBless the LORD, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name.Â
Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits:Â
Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases;Â
Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies;
Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle’s…â
And I just went mushy. Lord you are really really good. Forgive me for ever doubting that you are good.
I used to block my ears and play Kalley’s âgood good Fatherâ over and over again. Not because I just liked the song but because I was desperately trying to wrap my heart around the words and sink deeper into the truth of my Father’s goodness.
As I meditated on Psalm 84 yesterday morning, the Holy Spirit reminded me of what God told Moses:
“Then Moses said, “Now show me your glory.”
And the LORD said, “I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the LORD, in your presence. I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion.â
Moses asked God to show him His glory and in response God said He will show His goodness.
So some of us think sometimes that to carry God’s glory is to shine for all to see and yes that’s part of it. Because God’s glory cannot come upon a man and he won’t shine for the Lord. The Israelites couldn’t even behold Moses’ faith when He came in close contact with God.
But there is something else God associates with His glory and that is His goodness.
Because at the very core of who God is is the fact that He is good.
People accuse Him of wrong doing and we do too when we go through stuff but God is like âI am goodness personifiedâ. How can anything goodness personified do be bad?
But how can we get to this kind of unshakable belief in God’s goodness?
Psalm 84 gives the answer, right after talking about God’s goodness.
âO LORD Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you.â
The word makes it so simple.
Just trust in God.
Trust is one area of my life that I have struggled with so. I remember during NYSC when I will ask God about life after now and He would simply say âTRUST MEâ.
It was frustrating then but the lessons from that time has sustained me even up until this moment.
He was trying to teach me a part of the Christian walk that is indispensable: TRUST IN GOD.
Trust in God is what makes you walk a thin road where you know not the next step but still you walk it in faith.
Trust in God is what makes you call Him faithful when your mother just died.
TRUST IN WHO HE IS.
It is never easy to get to this place of trust and for me, some days I have to over and over again cast all my anxieties on Him. Some days I literally have to ask Him to help me trust Him. Some days I have to write Him a letter in my diary, crying as I do.
But all in all, I repeatedly find that I cannot do this walk of believing in who God is – not what I have heard of but who He is as shown in His word â without trusting in Him.
So like I pray for myself most times I pray for everyone reading this today:
Lord, let the truth of who you are â your goodness, your kindness, your love â let it sink deeply into our hearts. That no season, no experience, no lie can ever topple it out of our hearts again, in Jesus name, amen.
P.S: As I cried to God wondering whether He will be good to me in the area of my husband and children, He gave me my second daughter’s name â Hannah.
I have always had a leading for three and then He goes and adds one more. How’s that for His goodness?
And my future husband has never been His problem, He has always told me that. And finances have never been His problem, He will bring sustenance for me out of a rock if need be.
As you seek God also about the areas that you doubt His goodness in, He will reassure your heart, calm your fears and reaffirm the truth of who He is to you.
When you find yourself doubting, run to Him. With the tears, heart beating so fast, run to Him.
P.P.S: I love the Amplified of the trust verse in Psalm 84:
âO Lord of hosts, blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) is the man who trusts in You [leaning and believing on You, committing all and confidently looking to You, and that without fear or misgiving]!â
And here’s “good good Father”
Till our next Online Bible Study,