In A Relationship: Should I Love Him More Than He Loves Me?

Once upon a time, I was that girl who would fall in love with a guy, do all the calling and gift giving, money giving and all what-not, all the in name of “I love him”.

I always seemed to be falling short of something I didn’t know because always, it would turn out that no matter what I did, none of these guys truly loved me. I grew a bit jaded with the love thing because as far as I was concerned, love hurts.

And then I gave my life to Christ but still made the same relationship mistakes. I guess patterns can be hard to unlearn unless we take deliberate steps to put a stop to them and that I did.

I went to God; Lord, there is something about this relationship thing that I do not know that’s making me make a lot of mistakes. Even now, born again, I still made another mistake. I always seem to love guys who hurt me. There is something I am not doing right. I am not going to date any guy for the next one year, I give over my love-life to you, teach me the things I do not know about love and relationships.

And so began my current eight year journey in single-hood. God has taught me A LOT and I am so grateful to Him. Chief among what He taught me was to change the expectation of what kind of love I am worthy of receiving from the man who would be my husband.

I used to love guys and go all out without paying attention to how I was treated by them but God changed the standards and raised the bar for how I should be treated by a man who desired to marry me.

First of all, He showed me Himself in scripture as my husband...

“For your Maker is your husband, The Lord of hosts is His name; And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel; He is called the God of the whole earth.”

– Isaiah 54:5 (NKJV)

Then He showed me how He Himself loves me as my husband and raised the bar as His standard of loving me being the standard for how a man who wanted to get married to me should love me.

” Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body.”

-Ephesians 5:25-30

This verse has a lot above on how a husband should love his wife but that would be the subject of another post. But for the subject of this topic for now, what God makes explicitly clear is the standard for how my husband should love me. The standard is how Jesus Christ loved me and I should accept no less than this.

Wow! This was a mighty eye opener for me. It changed the way I saw myself and it changed who I was willing as a husband and it changed the standards through which I would see the man’s love for me.

Exactly why I have to pray for my future husband because this standard God is holding him to cannot be physically done in the flesh.

I have found out that low self-esteem issues is a major reason for why women are willing to accept ill-treatment and accept less “loving” from a man they planning to get married to. They settle for less than they deserve because they do not really see themselves as God sees them. They do not see themselves as the bride God sees them to be, do not think highly of themselves, do not see the husband they have first of all – the Lord Jesus Christ and do not see that who He would have for them is someone who treats them as the cherished bride that they are.

I am not just talking about romance like buying flowers but being with someone you know who loves you and desires and cherishes you and sees you as a gift from God to Him and He treats you as such.

You would be more inclined to accept ill-treatment from a potential spouse if you do not think as highly of yourself as a bride just the way Jesus thinks of you.

The way you view and see yourself would highly affect whether you are okay with getting less than you deserve in a love relationship.

I want you to think about this: if you were to make a list on how you wanted to be loved and cherished by a man who wants to marry you, what would you write in it?

Would it include being cheated on, or beaten or taken for granted, or being a sugar mummy to this man or begging for his attention etc?

Now then go again to the Ephesians chapter 5 scripture I sent above and look at Jesus as your husband and how He says He loves you and washes you with the water of the word and also cherishes you as He cherishes his own body.. does your man do that? Do you currently struggle with feeling as if something isn’t right? But still are willing to settle for less than you deserve?

Let’s talk about you and your self-esteem.. who do you think you are? What are you worth? Are you worth a good man? (we would talk about this next week). Let’s start from re-ordering your self-esteem as a bride for the Lord.

Do you know what you are worth?

“for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body. – 1st Corinthians 6:20

The price for which Jesus bought you was for His own blood (Read “His ring was his blood”).

That’s the price He paid for you; He esteemed you so highly He shed His blood for your sins and loved you so deeply He redeemed you by dying on the cross for you. YOU! Is this person – you – Jesus esteemed so highly the same person you want to sell so cheaply in a relationship to a man who doesn’t treat you right?


Like I did all those years ago, I want you to stop, pause and recognize that something is wrong somewhere.

I want you to pray right now:

“Lord Jesus I am not doing something right about relationships and my love-life. I am sorry for the mistakes I have made. I hand my relationships and love life over to you. Teach me how to love and be loved. Teach me Your way about God, love and relationships. In Jesus Name I have prayed, amen.

If you just said that prayer sincerely from your heart you can be sure that heaven heard you. I also can look back today and say God has been faithful to answer that prayer in my life. He has answered you too. He would lead you to wisdom and resources to get to understand His way concerning love and relationships and you can also start from here.



1: I’m sorry I didn’t write DUN-DUN our current Christian fiction work yesterday. If you follow me on social media then you know the week was intense in faith. I would try to do two episodes next week. Read episode one here.

2: I am writing and making available for FREE for you a workbook on MAKING A CASE FOR GOD’S DIVINE PROVISION.

Watch out for it here on the blog.

3: Get all my books including the ones on Relationships here

4: I made a podcast for you this week on FAITH which is how we got our ministry house this week TO THE GLORY OF GOD. Listen here

Till next week,

Lots of love,

Hephzibah Frances

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