Frances's Love Letters Love&Relationships

How God Healed Me Of My Distrust Of Men (And How He Can Heal You Too)

Hello my dear amazing ladies and gentlemen,

Hope you all are doing ama-mazingly well?

So last week, I had cause to revisit the post I did on my friend who was stabbed by his wife (see lessons from when I almost dated an engaged man HERE).

As I reread the post, I was taken down memory lane and began to share some lessons with my sisters on the women at the well group.

One of the things I shared was on how God healed me from my distrust of men through H my friend.

Quick background to this story:

H was my friend at Law school. He was engaged. We were plain friends at first till feelings started to develop. God told me to stop, cut the friendship and leave.

H got married. Was stabbed by his wife. Died in 2015.


But in all these, one thing I cannot deny is how God used H to cure me of my distrust of men.

Let me explain:

So when I was not yet in God I used to travel and visit guys.  Would say I am a virgin so no sex allowed but we can kiss and smooch. I tried this with a guy I met from the newspaper and he slapped me and commanded me to open my legs. That wasn’t even enough to stop me from going back,  what stopped me was when he stopped calling me.

The boyfriend from which relationship I came into Christ was both verbally and one time physically abusive.

So yes I was born again but I had all these thoughts about men and a cell in my heart into which no man was allowed to enter.

I distrusted all men. I was insecure and trusted no one.

But H was a good man. The very best. I haven’t seen any man treat me as well as he did until date and this was sincerely just in friendship.  I would get mad at him for my own wrong and he would apologize.  He would beg to help me cater for needs I have. When I say no, he would beg me to accept his help. I remember when I was sick, he almost cried.

But with all these, anything he did that was wrong in my eyes, I would always think “he wants to start taking me for granted now… That’s what all guys do”.


God began to show me the pattern in my life.

I had trust issues. If he had brought a man then I would have killed the courtship with distrust and insecurity issues.

I remember when I first realized this pattern.. I would go to the roof top of my hostel, play Hillsongs, cry and just beg God to help me. I felt like I was really messed up (see post written in my diary HERE).

But God never gave up on me. He would tell me He loved me and He would have me (I used to think no one would have messed up me then).

He would speak words of love to me and gradually began to make me see that he could heal me of every hurt and pain of the past if I would give them to Him.

Starting with forgiveness.

I remember cursing my ex-boyfriends crying from the pain in my heart while we were in the relationship. God said I had to forgive and let it go. And then I had to accept His identity about myself. Not mine. His.

Sometimes when we find out that we are messed up in this area we condemn ourselves and think we are “less”. But God knows all that’s happened in our past. He doesn’t condemn us. He knows we need healing and that healing and restoration comes from him.


Today, three years later, I am not jaded into thinking that there are no bad men; I know that there are. But I also know that there are 7000 men who have not bowed their knees to baal. Men like David God is preserving in the bush and my husband is among them.

I know there are good men and I am ready to trust the man God chooses for me with my heart by God’s grace.

God has healed me of the pain of the past and filled me with His thoughts concerning men. I no longer have to punish a man for a sin he didn’t commit, distrusting him  no matter what he does right… making him pay for the sins of someone else.

Its been a long journey but God has been faithful.


How did I get here?

1: I acknowledged that I had a problem.

See there can be no healing if God doesn’t show you your issue and if you aren’t humble enough to accept His help.

I know. Accepting is always hard because you may have to travel down painful past but God has to unearth before He can replant. And you have got to let Him do that.


2: I had to forgive and let go of the past (past boyfriends, hurts and pain):

Some of us say that we have forgiven our exes but we know that we haven’t.  Every time we see their picture we remember. We remember every hurtful word. Every jab they threw at us. Oh I know it hurts but you have to let go to move on. You have to let God help you forgive.  To be able to say like Jesus said “Father forgive them because they don’t know what they are doing”.

To forgive without “I am sorry”.

God can help you.  Sincerely ask Him for grace to do so.  To make your hard heart soften. It may not happen over night but it will If you are sincere and really want to let go. God always works with willing hearts.


3: Accept God’s help:

The answer isn’t in meeting a good man/woman, it’s in meeting God. Let Him help you with the pain. Give it to Him.

For me this meant hours alone with God. Playing Hillsongs and crying to Him to help me.

Sincere bare bones prayer with God. Inviting Him to come help your weakness. That does the job.


3: Use The Word:

This is how my mind got renewed.

I would study stories like Isaac and Rebekah numerous times.

The more I did the more my thoughts on what marriage should be changed.

Oh, not overnight but it did.

The Word is powerful. If you struggle with distrust and insecurity and pain from past relationships, try to make it a duty to study love stories in the Bible. See how they walked in God. What it meant to have a God kind of home. How hour husband should be. What kind of wife you should be. As you PRAYERFULLY do that through the word your mind is being renewed day after day.

One day you wake up and find out your view has changed and you now see as God sees.


I hoped this has helped someone.

I was supposed to write this for Frances’ Love Letters on Saturday but I didn’t have time.

Monday’s posts are usually on purpose but this post was still impressed in my heart so I obeyed.


I pray for restoration and renewal upon everyone who needs it. As you allow God in, the Holy spirit will definitely go to work in your life in Jesus name, amen.





One book that can help you see marriage and spouses as God sees is The women at the well collection of bible studies.

My previous post is one of the reasons why I loooooove the women at the well @twtwnigeria collection of Bible study.
When God told us to have a study on “marriage God’s way” I was like what?
I wanted us to have a study on purpose.
I mean “Lord, don’t your daughters need to know how to smash their assignments for you?” I was in a place where I was jaded about marriage talks too (pls never get to this place. There’s a lot of wisdom in God we haven’t even tapped yet)… but I obeyed.
We started the study and we began to see that there were ladies who were scared of the institution of marriage.
There were ladies who had seen nothing but pain in the homes they grew up in.
There were ladies who had poor representation of what a home should be like; myself included.
I remember when we had the “would God make me marry someone I’m not attracted” study (this snippet is on by the way)
We realized that some of our criteria for a spouse were “world based”.
We saw that we had fears as to whether God would indeed give us someone we hate as a spouse (satan’s lies).
And we saw that if we would know God’s will for our spouses and marriages we have to see as God sees and think as God thinks.
We started another study recently on “all things courtship and prayers for your future husband” and boy I didn’t complain when God laid it on my heart. Its ssoooo needed!
If you are a lady who is tired of doing things your own way, you want to delve into God’s way concerning your life. . This book is for you.
It has studies on:
the list, marriage God’s way, becoming God’s own kind of woman and the character of a godly woman (which is still wrecking me). We are already working on volume two for next year (different studies) and won’t reprint this volume for a while at least. So if you need it, dm me so you can get it while its still available.
My review? Absolutely recommended for EVERY WOMAN who wanna live in God.


It will help revamp your thoughts and thinking to God’s own thoughts as shown in His word.

Its available in both ecopies and hard copies.

Another book for those who want a home and husband founded on prayers is “prayers for your future husband”. Also available in ecopies and hard copies.

Mail to purchase yours. God bless you



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  • Reply
    May 9, 2017 at 9:22 am

    Thanks very much Frances, this has really touched me today! I have been going through a lot in the area of relationships, to the extent that I was wondering if I have a problem. Especially with all your friends getting married and Bellanaija not even helping matters sef. But with God’s grace, I have been able to leave it all to God and relax….

    • Reply
      Frances Okoro
      June 5, 2017 at 9:24 pm

      One word that helps me Mauryn is “focus on Jesus. fix your sights on Him// on Him. Not on yourself. not on family. not on society. on Jesus”
      You will be fine.

  • Reply
    May 9, 2017 at 7:57 pm

    This is a great one, Frances; thank you for sharing. I have been dealing with this distrust issue recently and knowing what you did is helpful to me. I will definitely put them to work.

    Kudos, dear.

    • Reply
      Frances Okoro
      June 5, 2017 at 9:23 pm

      We all slink back and struggle sometimes but God is enough to help us Ini.
      You will hit a reset in Him. Clean slate, loving and trusting heart again. amen

  • Reply
    Theodora Ogomaka
    May 13, 2017 at 12:19 am

    Thanks a lot ma. Godbless you for this inspiration.

    • Reply
      Frances Okoro
      June 5, 2017 at 9:16 pm

      He inspired us Theodora 🙂
      So God bless God for this inspiration(how we thank God when we are just sooo thankful for

  • Reply
    May 13, 2017 at 9:13 pm

    Great post as always dear Frances.

  • Reply
    October 28, 2018 at 10:26 am

    Hello Frances, I can believe you are one of God’s elect and were sent to help billions of people. Thank you for this and May God shine on you and may the sun glisten on your life with happiness. May you always bbe trusting of God and be fulfilled in Jesus’s name Ase.

    • Reply
      Hephzibah Frances
      October 29, 2018 at 7:11 pm

      Amen and amen and amen. Thanks Jimi.glad you were blessed here.

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