Yesterday I stumbled unto a post I had written in 2014 when I was in Law School.
I didn’t have enough boldness as I currently have now so I wrote the diary like it wasn’t me… in the third person.
But it was me alright; me in all my brokenness.
I used to go on top of the roof in Law School then, plug in Hillsongs and speak to God/cry, wondering what was wrong with me and why I just seemed to have a lot of baggage trailing me.
I was in the friendship/situation-ship with Henry then and I remember that he did something that triggered an age old response in me… which was to walk away from him.
Ever since my near rape encounter with M, and other silly relationships afterwards, I developed a kind of defense mechanism in me, never trusting any guy and never believing that any guy could love me for me.
So when Henry came then with his generosity and kindness, I was suspicious beyond the word suspicious.
I was saucy to him a lot of times, said harsh words and didn’t care that he was a human being that I should be kind to.
I simply had baggage from my past coming into the present.
And I was cool with it, to me, no one could hurt me if I put them at arms length and put them away anytime they “misbehaved”, be it a honest mistake or not.
And then, Henry came, just wanting to be a friend.
And in the process of being a friend, as is won’t to happen in friendships, we had a fall in.
In my head, he committed an unpardonable offence… and so I put on my defense mechanism coat again, and pushed him out.
Only this time, God wasn’t having any of it, He wanted to strip me of the past, heal me and make me whole.
And thus began a series of me being tugged on this aspect of my emotional baggage, and my going on the rooftop to cry as I spoke to God about me “not being normal”.
And then also I found the song “Your Love Keeps Chasing me” by Hillsongs.
I have been looking for that song since I stumbled on that post yesterday but couldn’t find it on my laptop… it brings the memories to me and makes me smile.
I remember then, how I would talk myself down and wonder if any man would have me with such baggage… and as I played Hillsongs, over and over again God would tell me that I am worried about nothing.
He has never left me and will never leave me.
That He loves me.
I should focus on my relationship with Him and let Him mold me as He will.
And I would cry and cry and cry all over and over again.
I just had a hard time with thinking about the messed up me… why would anyone want to have me?
I felt broken and rightly so.
Yes I had found God, but I still needed a lot of work to be done in me…
And one thing God had that I didn’t have then was PATIENCE.
I felt like since I wasn’t this perfect girl who didn’t have issues with trusting guys because of her past experiences, then I would never be a good girl worthy enough to be loved.
I felt like I would never ever allow any man close to me ever again and I was scarred for life.
It’s funny now but I used to be depressed, without a smile and terribly melancholic about it.
Till…
I finally allowed God’s love catch up with me.
I finally believed Him when He said that He wasn’t complaining and would never leave me.
And that was my turning point…
God used Henry too in my life.
I remember when I had to forgive him for small silly wrongs when I would otherwise have built a wall around my heart again.
Looking back now that Henry is late, those wrongs were silly, small things but I was so far gone, I would call off a guy if I so much as thought that he was taking me for granted.
But God has changed all of that.
God has changed me.
I smiled as I read that post yesterday because I am not in that place anymore.
I am healed, worked on and still being worked on by God.
So today Lord, I just want to tell you thank you!
Thank you for loving me.
For loving me back to health.
I can almost not believe the woman I see in me right now.
When I go back down the years, I am awed.
Why will people say that you are not real?
When I see you in my life?
My biggest testimony of what you have done is is me.
Thank you for being patient with me.
For holding out your outstretched hands and reaching out to me over and over again till I took them.
My heart sings…
I see growth.
And it’s all because of you.
I love you Lord. Forever.
Your baby,
Frances.
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