Thursday 13th August 2015
I’m tired and feel like I’m in limbo.
I pass out in October and still don’t have a sense of direction on what to do/where to go.
I used to be so certain of where I will be Lord, but then you broke me down and said your way is best, so I became totally surrendered to your will. So why am I still not hearing anything?
Again, I was still praying that thursday “fill me with the knowledge of your will Lord, in all spiritual wisdom and understanding. Your will for where I will be after NYSC, where I will work, fill me with the knowledge of your will”.
And as I prayed to a certain extent, I just began to stroll online for a word maybe for myself and I found that word in a Bible Study that I had written before.
And trust me, it didn’t seem like I was the one who wrote it, I saw it in new eyes and it formed part of my quiet time that morning.
It was the study I had written on God surely directs the steps of the godly, a study that arose from my meeting a sister from this blog who not only supported my work in schools but also opened her home to me.
A word there struck me…
I had said, “I don’t know what’s up after NYSC and it’s actually ok that I don’t know because God knows and it’s good enough for me that He knows”.
As I read and prayed that morning, I discovered that even though I still prayed for God to direct my paths, I wasn’t really trusting Him per say and that’s what He opened my eyes to see.
He still didn’t tell me nothing about after NYSC, all I got was Trust Me.
Saturday August 15th 2015
I had just written that week’s love letter and again, started reading some other posts on my blog when I stumbled onto this post I had written about how to deal with feeling left out when others are getting married.
I read a comment where Dr N thought that maybe I was having thoughts because I was desperate.lol.
I am not desperate, I am as satisfied as someone can be in singlehood, loving up on God and walking in purpose, but still sometimes, silly thoughts hit me.
And since I try to be as real as real comes, I don’t hide those thoughts, that post on how to deal with the thoughts was meant for everyone who’s truthful enough to themselves about the times when thoughts of being left behind in singlehood hits.
As I tweeted it again and talked to God, all I got again was TRUST ME.
My heart said “sometimes it gets hard Lord”.
Again TRUST ME.
Sometimes I get tired… what do people even think about a single girl writing about relationships and marriage?
Again TRUST ME.
Monday August 17th 2015
I was on my way to work when I had a bad case of the “not good enough thoughts”.
“You are working on a book? Who ever told you that anyone would buy it? Whoever told you that the words will help someone?
What if no one gets it?
It was so bad, I couldn’t open my laptop to edit the book. I was supposed to make plans for the printed copies and I didn’t call the person in charge.
I went home weary in my heart.
I spent some time reading the Word but didn’t get the spark I needed.
Tuesday August 18th 2015
Again, I woke up, not particularly knowing what to do during my quiet time. So I started playing worship songs.
My phone network was on and as I worshiped, I thought to peep my phone notifications (pls don’t try this at home)… and then I saw it, an email from her, subject “your book has changed my life”.
I read the contents and just started crying right there to God.
And asking Him to forgive me.
I have been so wrapped up in my frail self that I didn’t see Him.
What if I had let jitters stop me from putting together “Chastity For Men”?
Then this lady won’t have surrendered her body to God as she did through this book.
What if I let jitters stop me from completing “10 Steps To Walking In Purpose” and putting it out?
Then my own walk in purpose as regards the words God has for someone’s life through the book won’t come to pass.
All three situations from the past week have had me wrapped in my own self and not in God.
And all three have re-opened my eyes to the essence of trusting God.
When I wrote “Will I Still Trust God If I Was Raped”, someone commented and tried to draw the distinction between faith in God and trust in Him.
I was at a loss as to what it meant then but maybe now, I am getting to know what it means.
Roads lie before me at this stage of my life.
I know not where one or the other may lead to.
If God says stay in Ekiti or He says move to Lagos, I know not what lies beyond in both places.
I know God has a plan for my marital destiny but I haven’t even seen the man He has planned for me.
All I see is the road He has placed me on right now – write the words I give you. Will He bring the man this year or next ten years? I know not.
The book awaits to be released.
I know not what will happen after I release it.
Or rather, my human mind knows not whether it will be a flop or not.
Will it impact lives or will it just be another life less book?
My mind knows not.
I have faith in God that it will work out in awesome ways.
But when He says TRUST ME, He is saying even if you don’t see or know what’s going to happen, you don’t have faith enough to believe that awesome things will happen on whatever path I set you on, then trust that I know and let that be good enough for you.
He keeps saying trust me Frances, trust me… I don’t even know what He wants me to trust Him for, so how can I have faith in that thing?
There is a very thin line between having faith in Him that all will work out well which it will, but what He is requiring of me at this day and time is to trust that my “human mind” may not know what may happen but TRUST ME.
You don’t see farther than your nose right now my daughter?
You don’t know what lies before you?
For the book, He actually said, trust my work in you.
Trust you – the hand work of my hands – trust what I have placed in you.
Trust that I know the paths that you take even when you don’t.
Again, Psalm 139 has been a constant feature in my study of the word in the past few days and Somedays, I have to check back on it more than once.
David had faith in God that God would deliver up on His promises to Him, but even through the stay in the bush, through the trials and pain, he could say “still you know me inside and out, all my days have been numbered before you even before I was born, your thoughts of me are vast, so vast and none of them are evil!”
So Lord, like David, I see not the step in front of me, but I trust like you require of me that you know it all and will show it all when I need them.
I’m still in limbo like David.
You promised me the palace but I am still in the bush.
I see not the steps to climb out of the bush but I see you.
I see not whatever rewards you have prepared for me, I see only the instructions that are laid out in the steps you have shown me already.
Help me to hold onto those instructions and obey even if I know not what my obedience may bring.
I know you Lord.
I know you… grant me grace that that knowledge will be enough for me, in Jesus name, amen.
I know it’s a different way from the way we normally do #OnlineBibleStudy here today.
I could wringle out some study for us today but I don’t roll like that. I share what’s in my heart to share as God personally deals with me with the hope that someone can identify with it.
I cannot place myself as a Christian who is on top of her game. Far be it from me to ever put forth myself as that type of person.
No, I struggle. I struggle daily.
I mean it when I say that God is my rock.
I don’t know where I will be without the gentle whispers of the Spirit in my heart.
I don’t know where I will be without the carefully orchestrated mails and words and prayers He leads people to send my way.
I don’t know where I will be without His Word.
I don’t know how many of us out there reading this can identify with my personal struggle shared here… how many of us whose diaries are similar with my own.
I wish that I can tell you that God would magically wave a wand and make things all clear.
Sometimes it doesn’t happen like that.
Sometimes the only thing that makes the next path open up to us is #TRUST.
Trusting Him even when we don’t know/see what He is doing.
But still we know that whatever He may be doing is for our best anyway.
He requires you to step out with something like He does same for the book He has given me to write?
Then step out.
You don’t know what may happen after that.
What if people jeer at you.
What if they reject you?
Well, people didn’t set us on our path in God, God did.
I cannot say that my silly thoughts and feelings will never rear their heads us ever again, but I am determined to lay them to rest every time they do, choosing instead to trust my Daddy.
I don’t see how stuff will work out, but I SEE HIM.
I hope that you will chose to see Him along with me and #TRUST HIM.
Till next time on #OnlineBibleStudy,
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