From My Diary: Oceans

I do not like to sing “Oceans” by Hillsongs anymore.

Ever since I found out what I am inadvertently saying by singing that song, I tend to wait, hum and meditate on the words as I listen.. and REALLY be sure before I sing along.

Because its singing songs like that to Jesus that has landed me where I am right now. In Ekiti State. Back again. Again. Again.

You can tell that I am trying to see the humour in this right?

I am.

I really am.

 

But sometimes I am like ‘Lord, what the heck am I doing back in Ekiti State?’

I still feel like a stranger most time. Almost all the time.

 

I obeyed.

I know I obeyed yeah yeah Lord but since you know me better than I know myself anyway, let me just spill.

I won’t pretend and say that I have had the most amazing one month here. I have had lots of tears (as usual) with lots of digging into the Word, and lots of confessions in the morning and lots of praise even though my heart may not be feeling it.

I have had lots of envy moments too, with lots of call for help from me to my Pastor.

 

I only told my TWTW Sisters when I picked up my bags to move to Ekiti and some reach out to me now and ask “how are you doing?”

My mouth sef can’t even tell the full story so I just say “I thank God”.

Which I am discovering is the only thing I can do in this season.

satan has so tried to mess with my joy ehn, even me am tired of his plays.

I mean, I try to sing praises to God and it feels like granite in my mouth… but still I (try) to praise anyway.

 

The deal is; once again the uncertainty of the oceans is killing me.

“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me…

Take me deeper where my feet could ever wander, and my faith will bring me stronger in the presence of my saviour”.

 

When we sing songs like this, we sometimes sway to just the melody. But the truth is that our walk with God is one where we cannot place roots anywhere and call it home.

We must stay fixed in the fact that Heaven is our home; the rest is temporary.

 

So I am uprooted again, for how long?

I have no idea.

Should I stay or should I go?

Bring all my bags and dig down my roots or bring only a little overnight bag?

He says we only go at the sound of His voice and I haven’t heard the song of His voice yet.

So still I stay; knowing that the Spirit will lead me where I need to be.

Be it uprooting me again or planting me in.

 

In Oceans we walk.

In trepidation and in faith.

In screaming “Lord help me” like Peter or in saying “Lord bid me to come to you”.

 

Still we walk.

Into the Ocean.

Knowing that we have no other option.

 

But then we ask for grace to walk on water the right way, with praises and not grumbles.

Because He always knows what He is doing; especially in the oceans.

That’s His forte.