Frances's Love Letters Love&Relationships

But Why Are You So Picky About Choosing A Husband?

Dear Single Ladies And Gentlemen,

I remember having an argument with some guys when I was at Nigerian Law School. I had said that I will not accept a man who would cheat on me and I believe that God won’t give me that kind of man and I was told to “go find that kain man na”.

I wasn’t a new believer per say but I also really didn’t have totally strong convictions in God then. I was easily swayed by the comments of men and after that argument, I laid on my bed putting it all together and weighing the comments of man against the word of God.

I was so worried, I sent a message to Pastor Mildred and Inthe then and it gave rise to this post.

That was in the year 2014. It’s 2017 now and I have even stronger convictions about the kind of man God – my Father would want to give to me.

The doubts have melted down to almost nothing now or rather when they arise I know how to deal with them. The icing on the cake was when Jesus gave me the response to the “you are too picky about choosing a husband” comment.

Side note:

I do not get this comment on a regular basis as thankfully those that God has placed around me are those on the same frequency like me. But then I know a lot of women who get this question on a regular basis ESPECIALLY FROM FAMILY, this response is for you.

And it’s gotten from the Word no less.


“For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word.

He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault.

In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself.

No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church.

And we are members of his body.

As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.”

This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one.

So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”

-Ephesians 5:25-33

I was meditating one day (a long time ago now, it’s only just making its way to the blog today) and I suddenly stumbled on the thought that “even Jesus is mega picky about the kind of husbands He wants us to have”.

I mean, look at this: “Husbands love your wives even as Christ loves the Church…”

Most of us women have never even thought about being loved this way.

When we pray for a husband or in our list for a husband, we simply ask for a god-fearing man, a man who loves God and loves me… we never stop to actually specify HOW WE WANT THE MAN TO LOVE US.

Jesus clears out that part of it. He says the man has to love you like He loves you. And how did He love you? He died for you. Why? So He could present you as holy and without blemish to Himself.

What kind of mad love is that?

And how can a man love like this??

Have you ever thought of how this is such a tall order for any mortal man to accomplish?

For the men reading this, this should get you thinking about what kind of husband God wants you to be and for the women, this should get us thinking about the kind of man Jesus deems as fit for us.


First, we can decode from that passage that only a man in Christ can love us this way. Oh, an unbeliever can know nothing about the God kind of love that places itself on the cross just to save His wife. This man can only be a God kind of man.

So when your friends and family are telling you that you are being too picky because you don’t want to accept that good guy who isn’t a GOD GUY, remember the above passage!

Only Jesus could have set a bar this high. This is like being picky raised to 1000 degrees. I still cannot wrap my head around it.

Most of us just simply wants a man who will take care of us and who has our back, Jesus goes ahead to list HOW HE SHOULD TAKE CARE OF US and the only acceptable way.

Love her like you love your own body….

Basically Jesus is saying, let there be no difference between she and you in your heart. Treat her like you would treat yourself, even better, treat her like I would treat her.

And we all know that Jesus’ treatment of us is on a level that we cannot comprehend. How can this man meet this requirement?

Isn’t this such a tall order for any husband to meet?

So when they tell you that you are picky, point them to Ephesians 5 and let them see for themselves what being picky really is.


Jesus placed some high bars on the man He wants to give me so I understand that He needs some time to prepare this man for this life calling (loving a woman like Christ loves her is a life calling indeed. Lol).

What am I trying to say?

Sister, move your list away from the superficial. Let the basis of your being picky not be because you want a man with a job in an oil company or a man who comes from a long line of old money or a tall, dark and handsome guy.


If that is it, then you are wrong.

But if you are looking through the eyes of your first husband – Jesus for the characteristics of the kind of man He wants for you, and you are being called picky because of it, then by all means be picky!


Encouragement for my sisters:

We are all waiting and preparing ourselves as we wait for God’s own kind of man for us.

Please be encouraged. We have waited too long to give up now and fall for any kind of man.

Please hold on, God makes everything beautiful in HIS TIME. That’s a promise.


For our men, please check back next week with a love letter on this for you all.


Further Resources:

Read The Ephesians 5:25 Man


I love you all.

Till our next love letter,




Interested in what should indeed be on your list for a future husband?

Then “The list” which is a part of The women at the well collection of Bible study is a MUST READ for you.


You will dig into characteristics from men in the Bible and be able  write your own list based on God’s word.

A copy goes for 2,500Naira only.

Mail 4thewomen at the to order your copy. Hard copy and soft copy available.

Read a sneak peek from Joseph HERE

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  • Reply
    April 4, 2017 at 6:42 pm

    I love this. Thank you Frances.

    • Reply
      Frances Okoro
      April 7, 2017 at 5:52 pm

      Thank you too Bisola.. all God oh. for Treasures in the word

  • Reply
    Adeola Adeyemo
    April 5, 2017 at 3:04 pm

    Wow! This is deep. Thank you Frances.

    • Reply
      Frances Okoro
      April 7, 2017 at 5:50 pm

      Thank God Adeola…for opening our eyes to see.

  • Reply
    April 5, 2017 at 10:53 pm

    God bless you Frances for sharing this. It just thought me to be specific in how I want my FH to love me – Like Christ loves the church.

    God bless you always hun for letting God use you to bless our lives and draw us closer to Him. Xo

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