Bolaji Olorisade: I Almost Committed Suicide

Happy New Week everyone!

I hope you are as excited as I am about this week? My birthday is about two weeks away. Yay!

But this post isn’t about that.

The share Your Story series continues on the blog today and we have Bolaji( www.omobolaji.com), my beautiful sister sharing her story with us today.

If you are just joining us, the Share Your Story, Own Your Brokenness series is a series that was started with the aim of laying our lives bare – the hurt, the pain, the things we’d rather hide…sharing it all, releasing the past so we can walk in the now and inspire others to let the past go too.

It started with my story – of abortions and God’s grace.

You can read all posts here

And I’m sorry, I had issues with uploading the video where I shared my story at a conference.

It will be up before the series is over hopefully.

For today, read Bolaji’s story below…

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After I asked Frances that I’d love to do a guest post on her blog, she told me about ‘ShareYourStory’, and as I thought about what to write. I heard in my spirit, “talk about suicide.”
I immediately said “Suicide ke?”
I’ve never wanted to kill myself na? Or so I thought.
I then started remembering somethings that happened in my past and it was like I was watching a movie.
“Was that me?” was what I kept asking myself. It was like all these memories were wiped out of my head and there are still some that I’m sure I cannot remember.
Anyways, so after I thought of if I had ever considered suicide, God played a scene in my head.
I was washing plates or so in the kitchen at night and from our kitchen then, one could also see our landlord’s kitchen. His daughter was/is my friend and I could see her also doing something there, then the devil started feeding me lies.
“You’re not good enough.”

“See how your mate is looking vibrant and you’re here getting fat and ugly.”
“All your mates will finish school and you’d still be here wasting your life away.”

“You’re the only boarder girl that has not gotten admission.”

“Nobody loves you.”

“You are a liability to your family.” “You should be ashamed.”

“It’s better if you even kill yourself.”
At the point the devil suggested that I kill myself, I was washing a knife.
I am crying as I write this because it is hard for me to believe that that was me, accepting the devil’s lies. I cry because I know it could have been serious, that I could have totally accepted to kill myself.

That I could have brought my family so much pain.

That I could have allowed my dear mother to live with guilt for the rest of her life.

That I could have died not finding out what God had in store for me.

That I could have died not getting to see my first sister prepare for marriage.

That I could have died because I could not merely gain admission. But God, the love of my life, the reason I have hope and purpose rescued me.
I cannot count the number of times I cried in a day during that period. If I did anything and made a mistake, I immediately heard the devil tell me it was because I was useless and could not think straight. Even if it was something as little as cutting a piece of meat too small or big, it was due to my ugliness. I gained over 10kg during that period and mean remarks from people did not help my case. Calls from ‘friends’ became less frequent and it was like everyone had deserted me.
I remember now that I tweeted one disturbing thing on twitter and my sister quickly pinged me when she saw it to ask what I meant.
Please, don’t ever think that suicide is not an African thing or that Nigerians are strong so we never think of suicide. It is simply a thing of the mind and anyone can think of it.
See, the devil is a big fat liar!

And thoughts of suicide can be there even when one is surrounded by loving people! Please, constantly check on someone if you think they are going through a hard time. It encourages all of us when we know that people care and are in all our hurt and pain with us!
I bought a “Thinking of you” card and wrote some encouraging things in it for my elder sister sometime back, because she had been unemployed for some time and was constantly the only one at home. I knew that I had gone through something similar and although I know she’s born again, I still thought it was important to let her know that I loved her and “joblessness” was not the end of the world.
Jesus saved me. He rescued me from darkness and spoke new things into my life. It’s not that He wasn’t speaking all through that time, but there was no way I could hear Him because I was not born-again and never read my Bible; although I went to church every Sunday.
As I think of it, I can say that if I knew so many things still lay ahead, I would not have even worried one bit!
Now that I’ve gained admission, schooling still comes with it’s own challenges that I have to deal with every day. Will I think of killing myself because of the loads of assignments I now have to write? Abeg, the devil is a liar.
Now, I have fallen head over heels in love with myself. All I hear from my savior now is “Bolaji, you’re beautiful.” “You’re talented and useful.”
“I made you for a purpose.”

“You’re a vessel unto honour.”
“You’re important and your friends and family love you.”
“You’re good enough!”
“You’re fearfully and wonderfully made.”
“Keep it up, you can do more!”
“I knew you before you were born.”
“I love you and absolutely nothing can separate you from my love.”
I hear these lovely remarks daily and I just want to end by saying this – JESUS SAVES. I know, because HE SAVED ME!

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