I am up at 02:14 am trying to find the words to write this post.
Somehow, it is becoming increasingly difficult for me to write… I am not sure if it is because I am off my phone which I am used to or because of the voices that have been screaming in my head of recent.
On Sunday, I suddenly blew up and ranted to the amazing sisters on “The Women At The Well” Admin Team that I don’t know if I can do this group anymore.
I told my sisters that and went on to rant to God also in the prayer room at Church.
I just felt so inadequate and not ready to deal with any and everything that accompanies leading a group.
Why would God want to put me in charge of a place where we have different ladies with different personalities and expect me to share His word with them, pray with them and for them and ensure that I walk in love towards them at all times?
I simply was essentially telling God that I am not sure that He picked the right person for the job…
That was resolved a bit and then yesterday, I have been getting tugged on to work on a manual for aspiring authors and the manual is supposed to be used for something else but I just got tugged on to hold a small seminar for would be authors here in Lagos…
And again, the thought in my mind was “who told you that you are qualified to speak to anyone about book publishing?’
Who told you that anyone would attend…
I almost literally balked out of the idea, throwing it back in God’s face (I feel sad typing that right now).
I know that some persons look at me from th outside and go all “Frances, you are very brave”…
But I can honestly tell you guys that every act of bravery from me has come out of several thoughts of fear like the incidents I have related above.
I wouldn’t specifically say that I second guess myself a lot, but I mostly almost always tell God that I am not the right person for the job…
***I want to write that I even didn’t ask you to use me for these things but I am reminded of all the times I have cried and told Jesus, “let me be your hands and feet”.
Let me do the things that you will do if you were here… and then He shows me and I want to run away…***
The Sunday incident happened right after we had an amazing service based on “Purpose and Vision”.
And the Pastor, Valentine Obi, a man who had seen an idea God placed in His heart turn into a reality amounting to trillions of naira and moving into different countries…. he spoke on what a friend of his said to him when he almost gave up on his idea… His friend said “God gives every vision to a custodian, don’t be an Esau who threw his vision (birthright) away”.
Coming from such a meeting, I knew the thoughts to dump the ladies group was an attack on my mind and I have been having lots of those type of attacks recently.
Tonight as I prayed, I listened to Gbile Akanni’s wife message on how we frustrate grace and she based the word on John 21:1-3.
“Later, Jesus appeared again to the disciples beside the Sea of Galilee.
This is how it happened.Â Several of the disciples were thereâSimon Peter, Thomas (nicknamed the Twin),Â Nathanael from Cana in Galilee, the sons of Zebedee, and two other disciples.
Simon Peter said, âIâm going fishing.â
âWeâll come, too,â they all said. So they went out in the boat, but they caught nothing all night.”
She said many of us are going fishing too when there is a work to be done.
Loosing focus and being distracted from the things that God has told us to do.
Some of us are being pulled away by difficulties, or hunger or lack or seeming silence from God even as we wait for Him to show up…
Peter who had seen the risen Jesus, walked and lived with the physical Jesus, knew Jesus’ commission for His life to be a fisher of men, suddenly woke up one morning, tired of waiting for Jesus and instead wanted to go down into a path Jesus had already called Him out of.
It was even more sad because Peter’s one act of being derailed from His path derailed others who followed Him too.
Last week, I was also forewarned by God during my quiet time when I based on the parable of the three servants in Matthew 25 (the lessons are not for today).
My heart was shown to me tonight and it seems as though I am forgetting the reason why I do what God has called me to do…
The reason why I blog…
The reason why God has given me these books…
The reason why He led me to start the ladies group…
The reason why He lays seminars and conferences in my heart…
It is not about me, it is about the mandate – the commission – the kingdom – the lives His heart bleeds for that He wants to save and set free.
I have nothing to do with all these, I am simply a tool, an instrument… an instrument that shouldn’t fail God.
I am reminded of times during NYSC last year when I would be led to pray and the only words out of my mouth would be me consecrating myself to God for His purposes, over and over again.
I mostly did not have an idea of what those purposes were but I was simply so hungry for God and led to surrender absolutely to do His will.
I have a note written to God at the back of my Bible, signed by me, with words saying to God that I only want to walk in his perfect will for my life and if I deviate from His will, may whatever I deviate into not work out.
I do not regret my surrendering wholly to God’s will, I only ask myself how come I got here where I balk and cry and tell God that I am not the right person for that same will…
How come I feel that my part to play in His will should be reduced just a little bit…
How on earth did I forget that this race isn’t a physical race, it is a race with the entire cloud of witnesses looking down at me and I can only fix my sight on Jesus and not even on myself…
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.Â We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith.Â Because of the joyÂ awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside Godâs throne.Â Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people;[c] then you wonât become weary and give up.”
Why would I set myself up for a large fall by fixing my sights on frail me?
Even as I write and ask myself these questions, I know that I simply desire to do just one thing with today’s post and I invite everyone who has been feeling “somehow” on the path that God has called them into to do the same thing with me.
I simply want to rededicate myself and make a public declaration to God that I am still #Team His perfect will for my life.
I reiterate that if I jump out of His plan for my life, may whatever I do not work out.
Wholly consecrated In am to you Lord.
This day, June 1st 2016, I simply ask that you mold me into the kind of custodian you want me to be.Â
You lead, and I will follow.
For everyone else, in your own words, I hope you again consecrate yourself to God, to do His perfect will and only His will for your life.
May we not be found fishing and leading lives behind us to toil needlessly in the sea when we should be leading them to Christ…in Jesus name, amen.
Till Our Next Time on here,