Frances's Love Letters Love&Relationships

Straightening The Grey Areas On Kissing Before Marriage (A Sin Or Not A Sin?)

*Note, you can watch everything I have written in this post in the video below if you’d rather watch (or watch and read)

 


Dear single ladies and gentlemen,
I hope you are all strong in body, soul and spirit?
It’s an amazing new month and I believe God is going before and after us to make every crooked path straight!
Amen!

 

Last week I got a comment from a blog reader on “Making the decision not to kiss until marriage post”
I intended to write a post on “the journey so far on the decision not to kiss before marriage”, so I knew that I wasn’t quite done with that topic.
So we might as well reopen the topic on not kissing before marriage with a reply to the controversial(a bit) topic the blog reader talked about in his comment.

Here’s the comment:

Dayo
July 29, 2015 at 1:52 pm (Edit)
Miss Frances. I thank Jesus that you and several ladies of God have made this decision. However, the whole “kissing before marriage is not a sin” doctrine, I’m not sure I agree. In fact I don’t. This conviction is consistent with people who have a deep communion with God. Why would Jesus tell us all not to kiss if He was actually okay with it? It’s okay to say it’s your own personal conviction, but I don’t think it is to say blatantly that it’s not a sin.

God bless you. Good job with the blog.

 

 

Thank you Dayo!

Now, is kissing before marriage a sin or not a sin?
Where do you draw the line in physical expressions of love as a Christian in a relationship?

Immediately I saw Dayo’s comment, I had a Bible passage ringing in my head and it was just a matter of delving in for me to get what the Word was saying.
We would be doing a bit of study on the Word today (it’s not out of place seeing as God’s Word is the basis for all we do here right?)
We will take this in step by step detail and culminate it all in one general consensus.
So stick with me…

1Corinthians 8:1
“Now regarding your question about food that has been offered to idols. Yes, we know that “we all have knowledge” about this issue. But while knowledge makes us feel important, it is love that strengthens the church.”

What does Paul mean by it is love that strengthens the Church, not knowledge?

Now, there’s are some gray areas that are not expressly forbidden or allowed in the Bible and in 1Corinthians 8, the issue was on food that had been sacrificed to idols.
Paul said, what is to guide teachings in these areas isn’t “knowledge” but LOVE.
What kind of Love?
The God kind of love in 1Corinthians 13 of course.
We will come back to the issue of love guiding us, for now, let’s go on…

1Corinthians 8.4-7
“So, what about eating meat that has been offered to idols? Well, we all know that an idol is not really a god and that there is only one God. … However, not all believers know this. Some are accustomed to thinking of idols as being real, so when they eat food that has been offered to idols, they think of it as the worship of real gods, and their weak consciences are violated.”

 

Let’s bring that down to our topic here.
Some of us are accustomed to thinking of kissing as a normal love language.
They believe that it doesn’t meant anything – their consciences are “strong”.
Some of us on the other hand have tender consciences on this issue.
For example, my decision became so strong when just a peck on my forehead and holding hands in an intimate way with someone who wasn’t my husband convicted me so much, I spent about a one hour journey saying I’m sorry to God. (the story of this time is in the video)
I felt like I was basically desecrating my body by allowing a man who wasn’t my husband hold me in such a way.
Now, that is me – my personal conviction – how the Spirit has dealt with me… is it right then for me to lay such a conviction as a law and say it’s a sin when the Bible isn’t clear on it?

 

I love how Paul was so clear on some certain things in 1Corinthians 7.
He separated what was a command from God and what was the wisdom God has given him in answering some of the questions that were sent to him.

1Corinthians 7.10-25
“But for those who are married, I have a command that comes not from me, but from the Lord. A wife must not leave her husband. … Now regarding your question about the young women who are not yet married. I do not have a command from the Lord for them. But the Lord in his mercy has given me wisdom that can be trusted, and I will share it with you.”

 

I am not going to tell anybody that kissing is a sin when the Lord didn’t tell me so.
I love you too much to place a burden on you that God hasn’t placed on you.
I believe that God is leading me on the path to show that He can indeed wash off someone from the shady past they had and make her anew in purity in Him again.
I cannot place my personal conviction on you as a sin.
I am required to love you, not force my “superior knowledge” on you.
1Corinthians 13.2
“If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing.”

 

The kind of love by which I am required to love you with, doesn’t demand it’s own way with you.
But rather builds you up to grow in Christ in your own journey with Him.

 

1Corinthians 8.1 (AMP)
“NOW ABOUT food offered to idols: of course we know that all of us possess knowledge [concerning these matters. Yet mere] knowledge causes people to be puffed up (to bear themselves loftily and be proud), but love (affection and goodwill and benevolence) edifies and builds up and encourages one to grow [to his full stature].”

 

This love would encourage you to grow in God in this issue of kissing before marriage.
How?
We who are born again all have the Spirit of God living in us.
Our consciences(if we have let them be renewed by the Word) are being ruled by the Spirit, not by man.
So I would tell everyone who’s confused as to whether kissing before marriage is a sin or not to listen to God’s Spirit in them.
He makes all things clear and leads us into all truth.
Let Him lead you into the truth in this gray area, not someone else – not me.

So we will put love at the forefront in this issue like the Bible says.
What do you – the Spirit in you thinks about kissing someone else that isn’t your husband?
What does God think about it?
Does the Spirit agree with it?
Is your conscience violated when you do so?
If your conscience(one which has been renewed by God) thinks that kissing before marriage is ok, you aren’t convicted on it, then still be ruled by love in this issue.

1Corinthians 8.9-13
“But you must be careful so that your freedom does not cause others with a weaker conscience to stumble. For if others see you—with your “superior knowledge”—eating in the temple of an idol, won’t they be encouraged to violate their conscience by eating food that has been offered to an idol? So because of your superior knowledge, a weak believer for whom Christ died will be destroyed. And when you sin against other believers by encouraging them to do something they believe is wrong, you are sinning against Christ. So if what I eat causes another believer to sin, I will never eat meat again as long as I live—for I don’t want to cause another believer to stumble.”

 

Still, do not cause others to sin because of your “superior knowledge”.
Think of your neighbour who is just growing in Christ and who thinks kissing is a sin before you go kissing your boyfriend in front of them.
Will it cause them to start seeing it as normal when God has told them to stay off?
Be guided by love in this.

 

Galatians 5 deals with another gray area too – to be circumcised or not to be circumcised?
And here’s what Paul says again…

 

Galatians 5.2-6
“Listen! I, Paul, tell you this: If you are counting on circumcision to make you right with God, then Christ will be of no benefit to you. … But we who live by the Spirit eagerly wait to receive by faith the righteousness God has promised to us. For when we place our faith in Christ Jesus, there is no benefit in being circumcised or being uncircumcised. What is important is faith expressing itself in love…”

 

Faith expressing itself in love.
Not in rules of don’t handle, don’t touch, don’t taste…
But in a relationship with God and what He is saying to you to clear up these gray areas that the Word isn’t specific on.

What is Jesus saying to you on not kissing before marriage?
That’s what is important.

And then Galatians 5 wraps up with what 1Corinthians 8 wrapped up with which is what we close with too.

Galatians 5:13-15
“For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love. For the whole law can be summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” But if you are always biting and devouring one another, watch out! Beware of destroying one another.”

 

We are commanded to love one another, not to be in division because of our “superior knowledge”.
Love is what we should be ruled by in this area of not kissing before marriage which isn’t specifically talked about in the Bible.
I can tell you about my personal conviction and tell you why I am staying off of all physical intimacy before marriage including kissing.
Kissing leads to other things and my entire body belongs to God – including my lips and He would only approve my giving it to His man for me.
I can tell you all those but lay no burden on you to go along with me.
Get into the Word for yourself, let the Holy Spirit guide you in this and let love rule.

 

*CAVEAT – The above do not apply to areas in the Bible that are expressly talked about. Areas that the Bible is clear on. eg, masturbation, pre-marital sex, lustful pleasures, greed, idolatry, etc.
So please no one should twist this and use it as a basis and a reason for their blatant disregard for God’s Word on clear instructions(and even on the not so clear instructions) that have been given to us as His people.

 
Thank you Dayo for giving me the opportunity to dig into this through your comment on the blog and I would love to hear from you all.
What is your guiding principle on gray areas like kissing before marriage that isn’t expressly stated in the word?
Hit me up in the comment section below, let’s discuss like a family 🙂

 

Till next time on Frances’s Love letters,
Be guided by the Word in your relationships,
Frances.

 

 

P.S – I know that the topic on “kissing before marriage hasn’t ended here. I will talk about my journey so far on it and God’s Word to me on the Ephesians 5:25 man (for those of us who made the decision but are worried as to whether we will find a man who will agree with us on it)
I just might make out the entire post on the series into a downloadable PDF at the end of it all, so stay tuned on the blog by subscribing below.

Again, you can watch the video I made on this below and subscribe to my channel on Youtube here.

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6 Comments

  • Reply
    Toju
    August 1, 2015 at 10:24 am

    Clarified! We understand it now. That’s d wise way to deal with the gray areas. May ur oil never run out. Amen.

    • Reply
      Frances Okoro
      August 1, 2015 at 11:25 am

      Grey areas…areas that cause division when we should be ruled by love.
      I am glad it’s clear Toju…thank you for sharing your thoughts!

      And amen and amen! More insight we pray, amen!Thank you!

  • Reply
    Princess Okechukwu
    August 1, 2015 at 4:57 pm

    Exactement! Love over superior knowledge everyday. I love how you used the bible verses with Paul’s admonishment.

    I remember reading the Cor 8, and just thanking God that I had found a backing for the grey areas when it comes to personal convictions.

    More grace, sis! And blessings for today’s assignment. I will inbox you to check up.
    Stay beautiful.

    • Reply
      Frances Okoro
      August 3, 2015 at 4:20 pm

      Princess my darling sisteh, friend, divine connection from God..saturday went well(you know already) and yes oh, 1Corinthians 8 just provides guidelines we should follo, not hitting our brothers and sisters in Christ with our convictions on the head but speaking in love, guiding them to the truth and helping them to also build themselves up in God.
      Even Moreso encouraging everyone to follow the Spirit in sincerity, more than our thoughts can do, He makes all things clear.

      Thanks sisss! 🙂
      Much love!

  • Reply
    Ezar
    August 2, 2015 at 9:47 am

    Lolzzzz. My comment will be long today mehnnnn. In school, I didn’t think twice about kissingooooo.  I figured that other people were doing worse things, so it wasn’t that big a deal. Now I wish I had reserved such kisses for my husband , instead of dispensing them to boys I never saw again after graduation. But at the time I didn’t think about the future. I just looked at the handsome men around me and figured that this was the way life was supposed to be. When my relationships matured and deepened and I began taking them to prayer, I gave up any kind of kissing because it would always ignite the desire to go further. It was also pushing other aspects of the relationship to the side. I knew in my heart that I could not say with confidence that this kind of intimacy was pleasing to God.
    Now, But I have met women who act surprised when they find out that a man is sexually aroused by passionate kissing (or before then). Kissing is deeply unitive, since the penetration of one person into another is part of becoming one with him or her physically. Passionate kissing tells a man’s body that it should prepare for intercourse, and when a man is aroused, generally he is not satisfied until he is relieved. Therefore, kissing, especially my favorite brand-French kissing, teases the body with desires that cannot be morally satisfied outside of marriage. For the couple that is saving sex for marriage, kissing is like a fifteen-year-old sitting in a car in his driveway, revving up the engine while keeping the car in park because he knows he does not have the license to drive….lolzzzz
    I believe that the moral problem with kissing is harder for girls to understand, because they tend to be aroused sexually in a more gradual way than guys. If a woman’s arousal could be compared to an iron heating up, a guy’s could be compared to a light bulb. Sensual reactions in guys tend to be more immediate, and when the flame of sexual arousal is ignited, a man often wants to go further. He might be content for some time with just kissing. But when a couple have passionate make-out sessions and try to draw the line there, one of two things will eventually happen: either the original boundaries will disappear, or frustration will set in. In the one case, sexual arousal will become routine, and the couple will begin to justify new forms of physical intimacy.  Perhaps they will stop the first, second, or third time, but gradually the old boundaries will be pushed back because they begin to experience the intoxicating bonding power that God has in store for couples in marriage.
    Otherwise, one of them may end up hearing the same thing this girl did: “My boyfriend and I don’t go any further than making out, but recently he said to me after we were kissing, ‘Don’t you ever just get . . . bored?”
    Lolzzzzzzzz. As the years have gone by I’ve to come to view my kiss as a gift. I view it as something very special, something I can treasure, something that I can save and share with my husband alone.
    I love the story told by Jennie Bishop titled The Princess and the Kiss. The royal parents have a baby girl and give her the gift of her very first kiss. They explain to the princess that it is her gift to keep or give away as she chooses.They then go on to warn her that many man will try to take her gift, but she should be wise and save her it for the man she would marry.
    I tell my students that Instead of viewing your kiss as something meaningless and cheap, view it as a very expensive treasure box. It’s your job to keep your treasure safe until the person with the right key comes to unlock it. Like the princess above, you will probably have some guys stop by with hopes to get a piece of your treasure. If they don’t have the key (the wedding band) don’t let them open the box abeg. Don’t let the way Hollywood…Hannah Montana nd co… devalues the kiss deceive you into thinking it’s not that special. It really is a gift from God that you should one day enjoy to the fullest with your husband. Once you are married I say “the more kissing the better!”
    Nevertheless, some say that kissing is really no big deal and does not mean anything. But isn’t there something in you that wants it to be a big deal? The more of ourselves we give away, the less we value the gift of our body and our entire self (and people will respond by treating us with less respect as well).  Ask yourself what your kisses are worth. Are they a way to repay a guy for a nice evening? Are they a solution to boredom on a date? Are they a way to cover up hurts or loneliness? Even worse, are they merely for “harmless” fun? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then we have forgotten the purpose of a kiss and the meaning of intimacy. So do not segregate parts of your sexuality as “no big deal.” Your entire body is an infinitely big deal, and this includes your kisses. If we realize this, the simplest of kisses becomes priceless and brings more closeness and joy than 100 one-night stands.

    Frances, Muah! Muah!! Muah!!!

  • Reply
    Frances Okoro
    August 3, 2015 at 4:45 pm

    So Ezar….. I am still feeling like this is one big topic and I don’t want to overflog it but I sincerely feel like I should give more reasons for my deciding to stay off of it.
    I have clarified that we can’t force anyone to do so, but like you have soo amazingly laid out reasons for our decisions(yours too), I imagine that it would be awesome to steer people who are confused about it in the right way, even as they listen to God in them to help them make the right decisions on this.

    Might do this next week and I just might have to paste your comment on the post(thats ok?)
    It makes it all even clearer!
    So clear!

    Those questions you wrote up there is one that we should indeed ask ourselves and answer truthfully. Even as its a grey area, does God’s Spirit in you say that your kisses mean nothing…
    Ok, next week. Before I write another blog post.

    P.S- I am glad to find our married Christian ladies coming out with this.
    Just found out inthe wrote on her decision to save kisses for marriage and now you too.
    It means a lot to know that we single ones who are feeling tugged on this aren’t alone.
    As we honour God with our bodies, I believe that He will honour us too.

    Plenty plenty love Ezar!

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