I wrote thisoriginally for www.mateyscott.com
I have always wondered about what I would feel if I was rapedâ¦
Would there be dark red trails of blood between my legsâ¦ Or would the pain in me be numbed to nothing?
Would their voices ring in my head through the ordeal or would I drift into blessed unconsciousness?
Weird yes? But itâs not really weird. Every time I hear a story about a victim who was raped, I always feel so badâ¦ bad enough for me to try and place myself in their shoes and imagine for a moment the kind of pain they must feel.
Did I ever feel what they felt? No.
No matter how hard I tried, my imagination never cuts it.
But now that I think of this though, I have indeed come close to feeling what they felt in the past.
I was 16, seemingly in love with a certain Mr man who promised that he would not âtouch meâ if that was what I wanted. So I tagged along and went on to spend the weekend with âmy loveâ.
To this day, what I can mostly remember about that night was his voice saying âdonât you want to get it done?â Then a slap, then the threat of beating me with his belt, then the opening of my thighs, then his trying to gain entry, then his trying again for a whileâ¦Then finally, his voice trailing me as I left âyou are still a virgin, I didnât do anythingâ
But for months after that I did feel like he did something.
It was only years later that I realized that he didnât really gain access that night but still for the days and months that followed, I feltâ¦ thereâs no explanation for what I felt.
Or maybe thereâs an explanation for what I feltâ¦
I felt broken.
I remember going to the bathroom in my hostel and scrubbing and scrubbing the âslapâ off my face and his body off of me.
The only good thing that came out of that incident was that I realized that I needed Godâ¦ I would never have spent the night with a man I hardly knew if I knew God (that was for sure)
But till this day, I still wonderâ¦ Did he attempt to forcefully have sex with me just because I spent the night with him? Couldnât he have agreed and kept his distance when I said âno, I am not ready to have sex yet?â
Was every girl supposed to be raped just because they made a stupid decision to trust a terrible person?
And the weightier questionâ¦ The victims-the girls whose âmenâ gain complete forceful entrance into them, what do they feel?
Try as I might, even with my own close brush with rape, I cannot feel what they feel. But I do know that itâs not a place one would wish even their enemy to be.
By all means, do not be as naive as I was. If you do not want to have sex with a man, simply stay away from close calls like spending isolated time with him. So many have done that and had the words of âit was the work of the devilâ ringing in their heads as an apology from the guy.
Be sharp, be sensible, keep yourselfâ¦
But the problem doesnât really lie in the above suggested solution, it lies with the men-the predators who think itâs fun to trap their victim under them and proceed to force such intimacy with someone whoâs screams and tears rings in their ears.
How do you live with yourself? What pleasure do you gain from this? What can we do to make you stop?
Should the law maybe prescribe the castration of offenders and make them eunuchs as punishment for the offense of rape? Would that serve as a warning? Would that scare the rest of them away?
What do we do to prevent this scourge?
I sadly cannot give a definite answer to thisâ¦
I only know that the trauma the victims feel is unimaginable.
And I also know that the punishment such rapists should get should be unimaginable to the human mind tooâ¦ Maybe that would stop them, maybe that would stop the predators.
Maybe castration would stop them.
Maybe castration wonât stop them.
But then again just maybe it would stop them.
I just pray anything, anything at all would stop themâ¦