Getting married without a groom is a series that would run here till my marriage holds.
I hope it inspires you in your own marital journey.
“By faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible.”
Hebrews 11:3 NKJV
If you missed the last part click here
The first time I tried to seek help was a disaster. I lied by using the classic “if someone was in this kind of situation, what should she do?”
The person I was talking to was my vice-president at school fellowship. I had lied to my fellowship as a whole that I wasn’t dating my boyfriend so I couldn’t even come clean to them about what was happening in my life but I think Mama T saw through me.
I asked her questions that shed light on what I was going through and one of her replies resound in my head even more than 6 years after.
She said to me: “Frances you are beautiful. Do you know how I knew you? I knee you when my neighbour came to tell me that her senior prefect at Secondary school just gained admission into my school. She said you are very brilliant.
Frances you are beautiful; men would kneel down to beg for your hand in marriage…you are beautiful”.
Then she asked me “where is that Frances”.
I had lost her. The Frances speaking to her was a lifeless shell deviod of self-esteem and weighed down by guilt.
I kept stewing on her words but simply couldn’t find it in me to leave my boyfriend. He said he was the only one who could love me as I am. Who would ever marry me if I leave him?
I was now fat and shapeless from the pregnancy and abortion; who would ever accept a girl like me.
So I decided to stick with the devil I knew.
Till it happened…
I found a message on his phone. It was from a young lady who said she was pregnant for him. My jaws dropped. My heart raced. I confronted him and he said it was a friend that used his phone to send a message to his girlfriend. I secretly took the girl’s number and called her and she confirmed that my boyfriend was her boyfriend. Since I was so suspicious, I also took the number of one girl he said was his so-called cousin and called her. She said they had dated but weren’t together anymore. I remembered how when he was with the “cousin” who he claimed to be living outside town, he would call me to send him credit an transport fare so he could leave there and come see me. I realized that I had been a fool and this guy wasn’t who I thought him to be.
One day I saw a status on his social media app that confused me. I asked someone and he confirmed that it was the slogan of a cult- the very cult he said he had left. The words on his status said “he would remain till he dies”.
I trembled at the weave of lies I had gotten myself trapped into.
One day we were quarreling… again and he somehow found the text I sent to the pregnant girl and blew up. He seemed to be high that day because whenever he was high, the anger would be explosive. Writing this right now, I am amazed at how the physical appearance of people totally belies who they really are.
He seemed like one who didn’t know anything but I am certain that he had killed men and others. The closest he came to telling me about his cultism days (which I think he never left) was of him being a gun-man.
There was a time he said he was going to take me out for Christmas and he took me to a jungle where people were smoking marijuana. He didn’t smoke but ordered something I later askes around and found to be alcohol mixed with marijuana. Like I said I was a very naive girl. I grew up in a sheltered environment. My dad did hia best after my mom left. We weren’t exposed to lifestyles like my boyfriend was used to.
The night he saw my message to the pregnant girl was the night all things came to a head. He went raging mad. I wondered why since he was the one at fault and then all of a sudden I was taken back to my current situation of asking God questions.
I sat down on the cement floor and cried out to God. I had questions in my heart. Cataarh was running down my nose.
I had just one question for God: “TONIGHT, TELL ME IF YOU WANT ME TO BE IN THIS RELATIONSHIP OR NOT. YOU MUST ANSWER ME TONIGHT”.
I cried and cried. Looking up to heaven. Suddenly I felt like I had an arm wrapped around me and I had peace in my head. As long as I live I would never have the complete words to describe what happened that night.
I had peace in my heart to get up and walk away, not looking back.
And that I did.
1: Have you ever been in a relationship that took the life out of you? Made you down and out, without value and without worth?
2: How did you find the strength to leave that relationship?
3: And if you haven’t left that relationship, would you welcome help to do so?
There is something called the reverse psychology in abusive relationships. It is where a man (or woman) treats you so good and you think that you are on top the world; then he turns around to treat you so bad and have you holding out and wishing for the good again so much so that you cannot leave.
God understands our tendency to accept dregs instead of what we truly deserve.
I accepted dregs all through that relationship till God started pulling me to Himself by making me ask myself some tough questions.
I want you to ask yourself some questions too:
Is this relationship one that you deserve?
Is the treatment you are receiving right now one that you deserve?
Is the pain you are feeling all there is to life?
Couldn’t there be something more out there to life?
1:My book “Prayers for your future husband” is available for would-be brides!
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