*Warning: Explicit details and numbers might be in this post, all really in a bid to bare my heart out to my Daddy who I’m writing to…
Erm, you are basically peeping into my conversation with Him…
I was going to write on something else today when a daughter of yours called me last night and we got talking about lessons you are teaching us right now, right here… here where we stand.
She also is in a season of waiting and a season where you are drilling lessons into her and that’s my season also… only thing is mine is basically a John the Baptist kind of season.
But I could relate with her as we are both daughters being asked to stop, wait and be trained by our Father.
I won’t lie that it has been sweet and smooth… it hasn’t.
But you have been faithful. Always have been. Always will be.
Last year, you did so many great things in my life, things I never imagined would happen. And then you wrapped up the year with amazing promises to come for me in 2016.
I didn’t ask you to do these things remember?
I didn’t even ask you for the huge promises you gave to me… I was content to worship and spend time with you wherever I was which was in Ekiti State as at then… it was you who kept putting these big dreams in my heart and telling me what you have called me to do and be in you.
Remember that at a time I balked and repeatedly said NO to you over and over again.
I don’t want that kind of spotlight or great things… I am not able to do such things as you have planned for me to do… but then you succeeded in convincing me with the truth that you had created me for such a time like this and you have deposited in me the Spirit, who would help me leap through walls and scale through whatever obstacle maybe.
You told me I can… through you… I can do all things.
And so I got excited at your plans.
I knew 2016 would be an amazing year!
You had said it and I believed it!
Only thing is, I stepped into 2016 and what I saw was seeming dryness. Training. And a pull from you for me to walk in faith for even the promises you have given to me.
But I thought it would be easy peasy?
You said it and so it’s done right?
You have led me to listen to messages by Brother Gbile Akanni where he talks about the season of discipline and training from you. And how you prepare lives that you intend to use.
He said that you will expose us to lack so we can learn to walk by faith.
You will expose us to your word.
Expose us to prayers and then to yourself.
All these things aren’t beautiful things.
I have cried and cried and cried while laying on the floor but still telling you to drill me as you will.
I have been exposed to lack, so much so that I do not even look up to man to provide for me anymore.
I now know that you are my only source.
I now know that only if I look up to you will you cause even people I don’t know to bless me.
And believe me, I see you through it all.
I’ll enter a cab with only 150Naira in my purse and the next passenger will just ask “how much is your transport fare” and pay it.
I went to visit one of your daughters who is a blessing to my life and then she’d just give me 2000naira for transport fare.
I went to the office of a great helper you”ve sent to me and she’ll be like “take for your lunch and data plan”.
And I’m looking at these persons and thinking they don’t even know how much of a blessing they are. It’s not just the money that makes me smile but the fact that you have kept your word on “I will take care of you”.
Last night my brother asked me “but why is it that you don’t have much money at this time and at this stage”.
How could I explain to him that I am not supposed to use my law certificate right at this moment… and that my books aren’t really bringing in much right now, I am still in the sowing the seed stage.
How could I explain to him that I believe that I am called into ministry and what’s happening right now is that you are drilling me and teaching me things even in this season?
I laid on my bed last night as I spoke to you, telling you “hope you remember that I am a lawyer Lord? I went to law school…”
You surely remember some persons here telling me that I am a student right?
I just laughed when they said that and laughed when I reminded you that I am a lawyer.
I was reminded of 1 Corinthians 1.
Pedigrees, degrees, wisdom of the world’s education is nothing to you.
You said if anyone should boast, let them boast only in the fact that they know you.
If Jesus’ status as God Himself could mean nothing to Him when you asked Him to die a servant’s death on the cross then who am I Lord?
Who am I?
A daughter of yours called me this week that my name dropped in her heart along with some words she’s been hearing for a while “joy in the wilderness”.
And last night I just started thinking on whether I have been joyful in this season.
Yes, I have been praying and spending time with you (not as much as you are calling me to do).
But sometimes I look at my pictures of last year and it seems like such a long time ago.
I don’t know if I still smile just because I can anymore.
I seem to have lost that light hearted playful side of me.
It’s been so long since I went on an adventure kind of trip because I keep thinking I don’t have money to do so.
My brother would give me cash to just go out, eat and enjoy myself and I would instead calculate it for transport fare, etc.
Where is that girl with a light heart?
Who used to dance and just dance just because she could do so to you…
I still thank you but I don’t believe that I do it with such joy like I used to do.
The lightness in my heart has almost been replaced with an advanced deepness way beyond what I can carry.
And I believe that you see this too.
This is a deliberate journal entry to you Lord.
I am sorry that I haven’t been your little girl at heart for a while.
I know you know me, my personality and you enjoy me as I am.
I haven’t thrilled you with my laughter in a while except when I pray in the Spirit.
You miss me… I miss you too Lord.
“By him therefore let us offer the sacrifice of praise to God continually, that is, the fruit of our lips giving thanks to his name.”
And I am saying that I love you.
Thank you for finding me worthy.
For choosing me in you.
For lifting me from the dregs.
For making me your daughter, one who you love so much and wouldn’t let go without training her.
I know you already see how my heart beats for you but incase I haven’t said it in a while, I want you to know that you still hold my heart in your hands.
I’d rather be with you in a room, in hunger, than be in a mansion with wealth and valuables.
You are my sustenance, not man.
You are the one I look up to, not man.
You drill me, train me, place me in the wilderness, for my own good.
Tears are rolling down my eyes as I write this right now and I don’t know why.
I am still your baby Lord.
I still rejoice at the sound of your voice.
I still love to hear you speak.
I still see you as the You you are, my husband, my provider, my protector, my lover…
I am so grateful to you that you accepted me.
Messed up me.
You made me yours.
Called me yours.
Lifted me into yourself…
I am grateful Lord.
And for you, I will plan a trip to the beach very soon.
Just to let my head down and laugh out loud as I spend time with you.
I know my laughter makes you smile, especially when we have our tete a tete intimate convos.
Forever you are in my heart and forever you will be.
I haven’t forgotten where you picked me up from.
And this journal is also to ensure that I never forget.
The days when 1000Naira from you would thrill my heart and make me see that you are taking care of me.
I never want to advance into an adult in your sight… one who isn’t grateful even for the little things you do.
Even when you start taking me higher, I want to look back on these times when 150naira transport fare from a stranger would make me look up and say “thank you Lord”.
I never want to forget Lord.
I owe you a beach date.
Watch out for it soonest Daddy.
Your daughter, lover, wife, friend and sister,
For you peeping into my diary, 2016 may have been hard so far but oh, that doesn’t matter right here where we stand.
Pick up your journal or use the comment section below to raise up offering of thanksgiving from the fruit of your lips to God.
He loves it when we do that.
It thrills Him when we praise Him, tough times or no tough times.
Thrill your heavenly Father today… and ALWAYS.
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