It happened again.
I blew it all out of proportion AGAIN.
I turned a molehill into a mountain AGAIN.
I forgot that this person had been moving earth and all to please me for monthsâ¦at the thought that he was ignoring me, I didnât stop to ask him to be sure if he was, I didnât stop for a minute to try and be rational about it all, I didnât stop to ponder on the fact that someone who loved me as much as he did would never ignore meâ¦
In fact, to be truthful to myself, he had actually just called me to ask me to âpleaseâ see him, how then could he ignore me almost immediately?
I wasnât angry at the fact that he ignored me, I was angry at the fact that there goes another one who had won my heart and affections and as usual felt comfortable about the fact that they could treat me like trash.
And so I spoke like Iâve always spoke to them all before him – âplease just let it all go, friendship et al, please just let us drift away, Iâve got no time for this, friendship isnât by forceââ¦
But I was wrong about it all, he wasnât ignoring me, he could not do that, at least not at that moment.
He was a friend to me, a real friend trying his best to make me see that he cared, trying his best to make me care about him, trying his best to accommodate me and my excesses(and boy, I do have EXCESSES)â¦
I wasnât being fair to him, just as I had not being fair to lots of friends before him.
The above words were words I had said a lot of times before to people like him whose only crime was that they loved me.
People who had simply just tried to be my friend, people who tried their best to be good to me and at the drop of a hat, at the whiff of the scent that they were taking advantage of the fact that I cared about them(which was more often than not wrong) , I was ready to let go.
It is time to tell myself the truthâ¦
This was a defence mechanism, MY defence mechanism against being emotionally hurtâ¦
From the moment âMâ stood up after slapping me that nightâ¦
From the moment âMâ used his belt on me to forcefully take my virginityâ¦
From the moment I frantically opened my legs for âMâ to break my hymen for fear of his beatings..
From the moment I trusted âMâ enough to spend that night with himâ¦
From the moment I naively believed in âMâsâ love for me..
From the moment I called âMâ repeatedly even after he betrayed my trust and forcefully broke my hymenâ¦
From the moment âMâ repeatedly ignored my callsâ¦
This had been my defence mechanism, to let them all go at the inkling that they were starting to treat me like trashâ¦
I admit it.
I have issues with trust, I have serious issues with letting people in and itâs time to tell myself the truth.
Itâs time to stop punishing others for the sins of âMâ and all others who hurt me after him.
Itâs time to let those who genuinely love me for me come into my life.
Itâs time to stop putting up the defences against anticipated hurts that may never come (tis a pathetic way to live)
Itâs time to stop treating others like trash because of âMâ.
Itâs time to heal.
Itâs time to let it all go.
But I canât heal emotional scars from 6years ago on my own…
And so Lord, I come to you today.
Please heal every scar in my heart/soul.
Please release me from the bondage of emotional scars from the past.
Please help me trust the genuine people that care about me.
Help me to let in the ones youâve sent my way.
Help me appreciate love, the true love I get from others right now.
Please help me to stop meting out punishments to others because of the sins of âMâ.
Please help me let go in totality.
Please take away the ever present emotional hurt I expect in my friendships/relationships.
This isnât the way to live in you.
I canât do this anymore.
I am hurting almost everyone who tries to come close to me.
I am hurting almost everyone who cares about me.
Please heal me Lord.
Only you can.